After spending years leeching ever-increasing amounts of money from consumers, YouTube TV has opted to prioritize something other than old hat, hard-earned cash. Effective immediately, monthly fees will have to be paid to the tune of four jars filled to the brim with human blood.
“I’ve sat through blood tests for a whole plethora of different diseases, so giving some up to keep watching ‘Yellowstone’ is no biggie in my book,” said subscriber John Lynch as he applied a tourniquet to his arm. “Plus, knowing how much money I’m saving helps me sleep better at night. Earlier, I collapsed as soon as I loaded up the last jar! Chalk it up to the sweet serenity of financial security.”
In a sense, customers are now literally bleeding money. Meanwhile, the new fee is already on track to cause major supply issues for hospitals.
“This place used to be packed with folks willing to donate a pint of blood for a cookie,” recounted Red Cross phlebotomy technician Jessica Ribo. “Now, people won't even step foot in the building. Nobody cares about saving real lives here when they can just catch it on the next episode of ‘Grey’s Anatomy.’”
As payments begin to trickle in, insiders believe this may just be the beginning.
“The moment he got a taste, he just started demanding more,” said an anonymous source in reference to CEO Neal Mohan. “Once the stockpile started to run a little low, we tried cutting it with goat blood, but he can tell — it’s just like when we tried swapping Diet Coke for regular.”
YouTube TV’s insatiable thirst may ultimately bleed subscribers dry. Even so, it’s all worth it in the name of cutting the cord.
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Photo courtesy of Rama via CC BY-SA 2.0 FR
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