The first day of the Republican National Convention kicked off with the announcement that Donald Trump has selected JD Vance as his running mate for the 2024 election. However, the Ohio senator wasn't the Republican nominee's first choice — leaks from the Trump campaign indicate that the gig was first offered to the Hamburglar.
The McDonald's figure currently has zero political experience, making him a prime candidate for a Trump ticket. Even so, this was not the primary reason he was considered the top selection.
"Just look at his cape. I'm telling ya, he's gotta be able to fit 40, 50 burgers in that thing. We haven't even considered the hat yet," said Trump in secretly recorded footage. "We've all heard it, sure — sometimes he tries to steal and they take the burgers away, but that sneaky little thief is relentless. Dense Pence promised to steal Big Macs for me, but he gave up trying after failing at only 10 separate franchises. Coward."
Some in the camp had concerns that the former president was prioritizing his McDonald's fix over political matters. However, the former reality star saw something else he liked in the Hamburglar — himself.
"Look at that hair. Expertly swooped, shellaced to the highest possible degree. That's just how it should be," said Trump, moving a picture of his adult sons from the garbage to a larger garbage nearby. "And that tie! Set just above the knees — it doesn't get any better."
Unfortunately, the Hamburglar had to turn down the offer due to prior entanglements. Additionally, there was reportedly a strong fear that Trump would ask him to steal any McDonald's item other than those containing the beloved beef paste.
When asked for further comment, the burger pilferer simply stated, "Robble robble" before jumping through a closed window.
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Photo courtesy of @HammburglarThe
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