Mass shootings have become as American as losing fingers in a drunken fireworks accident. As of the Michigan State shooting on Feb. 13, which took three lives with five more in critical condition, there have already been 71 mass shootings in 2023.
Now, after countless tragedies and calls for elected officials to lift a finger to stop innocent people from being murdered, the United States government is finally doing something to crack down on school shootings — by banning schools.
“There have been over 360 school shootings since Columbine, and believe me when I say that I now find this unacceptable,” said Texas senator and National Rifle Association sugar baby Ted Cruz.
Whereas most ideas about how to prevent school shootings revolve around confusing concepts such as strengthening background checks and outlawing high capacity magazines, Republican senators came up with something more original — banning schools as a whole. “You hear the term ‘school shootings.’ Now, feel free to check my math, but I believe that guns only account for half of those words,” chuckled Wisconsin Sen. Ron Johnson. “Up until now, everyone has focused on the last part — if we want to start from the beginning, then the first course of action must be to ban all schools from daycare up through university.”
The move has been met with disagreement by some, who are concerned that banning schools could potentially lead to new generations of Americans growing into uneducated adults. This prompted freshman representative for New York’s third congressional district George Santos to provide ease for the wary.
“I encourage people not to worry — lack of education will not prevent children from ultimately reaching powerful, important positions. I’m a member of the U.S. Congress and I lied about both of my college degrees,” assured Rep. Santos.
Still, there is the question of what will be done with the soon-to-be defunct schools. As of now, there is one primary idea floating around the U.S. Capitol — demolishing the buildings in order to turn them into gun ranges.
“It’s not lost on any of us that there will still be murderers in the United States. What we need is for well-intentioned murderers to kill the ones with bad intentions,” commented Sen. Johnson. “Paired with a bill I’m writing to divert public school funds to provide a gun to each child so long as their skin is light enough to require SPF 100, we’ll be right where I believe this country should be in no time.”
With the proposal, there is the potential for Johnson’s planned “well-intentioned murderers” to kill each other rather than the classic, more garden variety killers. This calls into question at what point a person’s judgment is too bad to be allowed to shoot on a whim.
“If we’re going by baseball terms, which one does if they are a good American, then they’d be doing pretty damn good as long as they’re batting around .300,” clarified Sen. Johnson.
There is no available timeline as to when schools will actually be shuttered. However, given that there are less than 40 school shootings to go until the United States reaches the big 400, it is likely that the decision will move forward once politicians have the chance to celebrate the milestone. In other words, probably by Spring Break.
Photo courtesy of Guettarda via Wikimedia
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