In a move considered absolutely crucial by possibly dozens of Americans, Donald Trump made a point to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the “Gulf of America” shortly after being inaugurated on Monday. But while the switch will be reflected in federal documents and American-made maps, the rest of the globe is taking to the idea as well as a newborn baby would run a marathon.
The second-term president has reportedly responded to his constituents and fellow world leaders by locking himself in a White House bathroom and refusing to come out.
“What’s even the point of being president if everyone on the planet doesn’t bend to my will?” muttered Trump, dabbing his tears with the daily brief. “The other countries’ heads are being so mean to me. Sure, I’ve been breaking agreements and threatening to siege their land, but that’s no excuse to be nasty!”
While Chief of Staff Susie Wiles attempted to reassure the president by reminding him that Gov. Ron DeSantis and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene are among the vocal supporters of the gulf's rebrand, this only prompted wailing on the other side of the door.
“But I want to hear it from someone I respect! Like Frank Sinatra or the Hamburglar,” opined Trump, referring to the deceased crooner and a fictional fast food mascot. “I don’t get why people aren’t using the new name — it’s really not that hard. I’d get it if someone started to say the old one and then corrected themselves, but it feels like nobody is even trying! God, it makes me want to pardon a warlord.”
As of the afternoon, the president still hadn’t left the bathroom, but seemed to be self-soothing by balling up copies of the United States Constitution and tossing them into a trash can across the room.
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Photo courtesy of public domain via the Trump White House
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