After running a campaign bolstered by the promise to quickly reduce the price of eggs, Donald Trump soon walked back the claim in recognition of the avian flu’s massive impact on production. Still, the second-term president is putting one of his brightest ideas to work — combatting the egg shortage by feeding flu-stricken hens chicken noodle soup.
“This seems obvious, frankly. Eating chicken noodle soup as a cure goes way, way back. For example — and they don’t tell you this, by the way — Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall and, very sadly, had a great fall,” explained Trump. “We’re told that all the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again — a lie. Those ponies gave him some Campbell’s condensed soup straight from the microwave and that clumsy little egg was right as acid rain.”
One could argue that this makes economic sense. Over 140 million birds have been culled since the virus began to spread, leaving dumpsters upon dumpsters of meat off the kitchen table. However, there remains ethical concerns over whether it’s okay to force livestock to become cannibals.
“Look, let’s not ‘go woke’ here. Even if the hens know they’re eating chicken, why would they care? It’s not like they knew those roosters personally. That being a problem is outlandish as the idea of giving people money when they aren’t even threatening to blackmail you,” assured the president.
Further, the former reality star believes some chickens may deserve to be eaten by their own.
“I don’t think it’s right to assume that some of these dirty birds don’t have it coming. Schools refuse to teach this, but the fact is that chickens are as rebellious as they come. You keep them fed and housed their whole lives, then the minute you want to make a nice chicken pot pie, what do they do? They revolt. Next thing you know, they’ve escaped and the oven is oozing goo,” warned Trump, seemingly describing the plot of 2000 stop-motion animation film “Chicken Run.”
If the plan doesn’t work, White House sources say that Trump is considering having hens drink NyQuil while being sprayed with Windex.
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Photo courtesy of Larry Rana via public domain
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