Trump forced to sell beloved golden toilet in order to pay legal fees

Former President Donald Trump has found himself in a whirlwind of legal issues. With dozens of charges and fees handed down by the court, the 2024 presidential candidate is scrounging for cash. Following today's $10,000 fine for violating a gag order in a business fraud lawsuit, Trump is being forced to find a buyer for that which he loves most - his golden toilet.

The listing, posted on eBay this evening under the username “daddysboy4L,” details the bathroom throne.

“18 karats, well used. $7 million to a good home, $5 million if it isn’t,” said the listing. “No shipping. Buyer is responsible for removing toilet from plumbing and carrying it downstairs. Must come alone, no cell phones.”

It’s an undeniably difficult step for Trump to take. Between his five children and three wives, Trump has spent most of his time with the toilet by far. The Slug Report reached out to Trump directly and, after checking on the website and deciding it was as credible a source as any, he agreed to speak on his struggle.

“This golden toilet has been with me through everything. Truly - I can’t even tell you. Everything,” began Trump. “Every big business deal. Solving our nation’s issues as President of the United States. The births of my children. I was hiding on that thing in the bathroom during all of it,” said Trump.

Some may wonder who’s in the market for a multi-million dollar toilet. As it appears, it isn’t just about who wants it – rather, it’s a matter of ensuring it remains beneath the right buttocks.

“I’ve got myself and a few dozen buddies pooling together. We’re trying to get more, but it’s a little hard to tell which of the patriots in our Facebook group have been wrongfully imprisoned for their courageous acts during the American Revolution of 2021,” said Conway, Arkansas’ Ryan Dirk.

According to Dirk and others in the group, the toilet push goes beyond receiving a prized item from the former reality TV star.

“We’re not just throwing fun money at this. I’m talking money I’ve saved for groceries, retirement, my kids’ sports…Hell, I’ve given my life savings and taken out a second mortgage on my house,” explained the father of two young daughters. “And I know it’s a lot, but it’s not just me. We’re all doing this for him. If our president/lord and savior goes to jail, this country has no remaining means of survival. I can tell you that for a fact. Not saying you would, but don't even try to argue with me on that because I can tell you right now that I will not listen.”

Former President Trump’s legal war still has plenty of battles left to fight. The golden toilet may be off the market soon, but wait long enough and you may be able to purchase whichever one of Trump’s sons he deems most disposable (Eric).

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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 2.0