New York City is absolutely whelmed following yesterday's indictment of Mayor Eric Adams. The former police captain faces five charges, including those related to wire fraud and accepting campaign contributions from foreign nations.
While Adams clings to his position as well as his supposed innocence, the rest of the Big Apple is looking toward a potential special election to fill the mayoral seat. This includes one of the city's most omnipresent figures — Times Square Elmo.
"This city is so wonderful to Elmo, but we can make it even better. For example, less garbage cans would make a lot of people happy! Elmo hears they're much more cozy to sleep in when they're packed to the tippy top," said the loyal friend of Oscar the Grouch, who has not yet committed to being involved with the campaign in any way.
The platform is already certain to include defunding the New York Police Department in order to have all duties overtaken solely by Elmo's trusted ally, Super Grover. The little red monster has also floated out the idea of creating new lanes down busy Manhattan streets dedicated to "singing, dancing, and tricycles."
As Elmo thinks through his next moves, there's plenty of kinks to work out.
"Elmo doesn't know what he thinks about abortion yet, but it's fun to learn!" giggled the children's television star. "Elmo also doesn't fully get what being 'transgender' means, but that's never stopped Elmo from loving Big Bird!"
The falsetto-voiced critter is opposed to the death penalty, instead hoping to reduce violent crime through the "joy of reading." Still, an exception may be made for stoning — not to punish criminals, but to harm Elmo's arch-nemesis — a pet rock known as "Rocco."
"If Elmo becomes mayor, that cold, unfeeling son of a bitch is being skipped straight off the Staten Island Ferry. Bye bye!" said the budding politician.
The eternal three-and-a-half-year-old is set to officially throw his hat in the ring once given approval from his family, specifically Dorothy the goldfish. A quiet aquatic animal, the telling glub-glubs are expected to float in Elmo's favor.
If there's one message the campaign wants to send out to the notoriously bold New Yorkers right away, it's this — "You can tickle me all you want, but don't even think about fucking me."
And to the rest of the planet, let it be known that it's still Elmo's World — we're just living in it.
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Photo courtesy of Mary P. Madigan via CC BY 2.0
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