Teachers unions to strike unless given right to smack one kid per quarter

With major strikes happening across the country, many teachers are calling for a strike of their own. While most would assume they would be demanding better benefits or a higher salary, their number one ask costs nothing*, yet is worth a million dollars — the right to smack one student per quarter.

"We as a nation are having a conversation about mental health right now. As nice as it would be for teachers to have affordable therapy available, the reality is that there just isn't time at the end of the day — we're grading homework over a bowl of Hamburger Helper every night," said Chicago Teachers Union President Stacy Davis Gates.

Despite this roadblock, Gates says there's a way through.

"I speak not just for Chicago, but for all teachers unions from coast to coast — you've gotta let us hit your kid once in a while. Maybe not your kid, but somebody's gotta get smacked by November," said Gates.

The Slug Report asked the leader of nearby Madison, Wisconsin's union, Michael Jones, what he would consider reasonable grounds to hit a kid.

"When they're 4, 5, 6, you've gotta cool your jets — children can barely support the weight of their own heads at that age. But as soon as they hit middle school, if they're being constantly disruptive or antagonizing a teacher, then that teacher needs to have all tools available to them," said Jones. "It just so happens that one of those all-important tools is the ability to smack lil Timmy so hard he has to make sure all of his teeth are still there."

While the proposal may sound a tad bit aggressive to some parents, Montana 7th grade math teacher Deborah O'Keene says that true child abuse is "allowing a little shit to grow into a big shit."

"Yeah, it would be great if the kids all just listened, but they don't. And it's one thing when you're at home and it's just one or two of 'em, but when you're trying to teach 30 kids algebra and fuckin' Ryan won't stop yelling something from some shitty meme, it becomes abundantly clear that the best solution is to karate chop them in the jugular," said the 20-year veteran.

As with any good union, having their demands met will be difficult. But with politicians like former New Jersey governor and current presidential candidate Chris Christie making teachers unions their go-to punching bag (almost literally), maybe punching the kids is exactly what it will take to get their support.

*Note: Before legal fees

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Photo courtesy of the US Department of Education