Gonzaga knocked TCU out of the 2023 March Madness tournament by a score of 84-81 on Sunday. Though the loss may have eased the blow for the Horn Frogs, the Texas university would’ve been forced to exit tournament anyway. After being down near the end of the second half, TCU players began shooting blood at the Bulldogs through their eyes – a clear violation of NCAA policy.
Traditionally, an average one pound horned frog is capable of shooting blood up to three feet. With most players on the TCU roster weighing in the 190-270 range, some were able to shoot blood nearly 800 feet – ironically reaching the nosebleed seats.
Former Massachusetts governor and current NCAA president Charlie Baker, who just began his fun new job on March 1, described the scene.
“You have to understand that it was a lot worse in person. Folks watching on TV probably noticed how the Gonzaga athletes were soaked as well as the court itself, but fans weren’t spared either,” said Baker. “Kids were getting blood on their hot dogs. The fan cam was a truly horrific sight.”
The NCAA is currently deciding the significance of the punishment TCU will receive, ranging from the university paying a large fine to waterboarding players with their own lifeblood. Yet, some – primarily of the Texan and Christian variety – believe no consequences are warranted.
“It’s March – do I really need to say more than that?” said TCU fan Sawyer Briggs. “Everyone is here to see something wild happen. On Friday, we saw 16 seed FDU beat number one Purdue. On Sunday, we saw a bunch of dudes shoot plasma across a stadium and hit some guys in the face. I think everyone ought to be more grateful.”
March Madness organizers reached out to the Red Cross to see if they could make use of the dozens of gallons of blood collected from the floors and seats of Denver’s Ball Arena after the game. Unfortunately, it had to be discarded, as the medical organization says it’s “safe to assume” all of the players have a blood condition.
Wildlife expert Judy Hillis, who was brought into the investigation due to her frog knowledge, explained the phenomenon.
“When it comes to the vast majority of humans, it’s very important to keep most blood inside of the body,” noted Hillis. “With the bodies of TCU athletes, it seems that the attack mechanism staying at the ready is prioritized over the body's vital functions. Because the blood’s primary goal is to ultimately exit through the eyes, it’s remarkably thin.”
To be specific, Hillis described the consistency as being “like if someone replaced all of their blood with water and then ate a bottle of blood thinners.”
Gonzaga will be heading to Las Vegas to take on UCLA in the Sweet 16 on Thursday. Meanwhile, TCU will likely be watching the game from a laboratory.
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