It's been a turbulent couple of weeks in the House after Rep. Matt Gaetz filed an ultimately successful motion to remove Kevin McCarthy as House Speaker. With Ohio Rep. Jim Jordan failing to get enough votes to win the position on Friday, there's officially a new sheriff on the floor — multi-award winning singer/songwriter and new Kansas City Chiefs mascot Taylor Swift.
"We looked all throughout our ranks and came to the conclusion that Ms. Swift is best qualified for the position," said South Carolina Rep. Ralph Norman. "What she lacks in political experience is made up for by her lack of political experience."
Even so, there's at least one hitch to Speaker Swift that many politicians will not approve of — way more people are gonna want to vote.
"Sure, have her be Speaker — at least on the Senate side of things, we're not planning on doing a whole lot ourselves anyway," said longtime Wisconsin senator and gargoyle Ron Johnson. "Where I take issue is that her holding the position while also having millions and millions of fans could very well encourage people to vote who otherwise would've done the right thing and stayed home instead."
Still, Johnson admits, it's not all bad.
"Sometimes after a really stressful day, I'll head to my office, pop a CD into my boombox, and just let it all out to 'Shake It Off.' Sleeves rolled up, tie flying, sweaty armpits — it's a nice little tradition. But a tradition I care about far more is the one started by my state's own late, great Joseph McCarthy — gerrymandering," said Sen. Johnson, twinkle and crust in his eyes. "As long as we can keep that in place, I can rest assured that a huge spike in voters will have no bearing on who gets to lead this fine country."
As for how Taylor Swift feels about the honor, it's to be determined — her team reportedly hasn't informed her yet. However, Swift previously spoke on what she enjoys about her ever-busy lifestyle.
"I wake up and I barely know where I am! Maybe I'm playing a show in Arizona, maybe I'm watching football while princess waving at a jumbotron in Missouri, maybe I'm stealing lit cigarettes from pigeons in New York City — in any case, I never know what has or will happen until I see dozens of photos of myself online the next day!" said a peppy, shaking Swift. "I have no control, which means every day is a surprise that'll push me way out of my comfort zone! PR keeps me on my toes! Woot!"
Swift's first day in the House will likely be between her Oct. 18 show in Miami and her Oct. 19 show in Miami. It'll be a quick turnaround, but once she gets to the chamber and takes her post, she'll have plenty of time to sleep.
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Photo courtesy of Paolo V via CC BY 2.0
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