Starbucks has been taking it from all sides lately. While more and more people are beginning to criticize the mega chain for their heavy-handed anti-union practices, others continue to fight against a much larger issue — the "war on Christmas," which claims that major corporations aren't doing enough to retain proper values for American families.
Luckily for those who want more Jesus in their cup of joe, Starbucks is giving the people what they want — the ability to make any beverage taste like a fetus.
"For years, we've tried to make everyone happy with our cups during the winter season. Unfortunately, it turns out that designs involving faceless people holding hands by a Christmas tree, hundreds of colorless faces happily gathering, and even the plain color red are absolutely unacceptable — we truly apologize," began Starbucks CEO Laxman Narasimhan. "That's why we decided to make something that will absolutely beat people over the head with the true meaning of Christmas — the taste of a four-week-old fetus."
Narasimhan, who took over as CEO in March of 2023, was fired immediately after this statement for using the term "winter season," as it's too adjecent to "happy holidays." However, as war on Christmas believers will surely be happy to hear, the fetus is here to stay.
Still, it wasn't a walk in the park to get such a close match to the real thing.
"It's not easy to taste a month-old fetus — especially since they're only the size of a grain of rice," said Leo Burkett, who runs the the Starbucks Tryer Center. "To get this done, we needed enough 'rice' to make up a two-person order at Panda Express — that's before preparing for distribution."
This admission is sure to turn heads. After all, the process Burkett laid out would require thousands of abortions, which clearly goes against the values of the offering's core audience. Yet, Starbucks says not to worry — the subjects were all sourced from places that the usual critics would prefer to have wiped out anyway.
The chain initially tried to go for an American fetus taste, but focus groups found that 60% of people weren't appetized by the idea of tasting an unviable fetus that resulted in life-ending complications for the mother.
Fetus syrup, which goes well with lattes, cappuccinos, or even just stirred into black coffee, has already garnered a cult following — as is fitting.
"I didn't think I would like it to be honest with ya, but I'm sort of addicted!" said Minnesota mom Pam Salders. "I don't love where it came from, but what's the harm in turning a blind eye in favor of the Christmas spirit? This is as close as I'll ever come to tasting baby Jesus, and gosh is he sweet."
Though the offering is seasonal, it will almost definitely become permanent if it's bought more than peppermint mochas based on principle.
-------------------
Photo courtesy of GillyBerlin via CC BY 2.0
Comments