St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner, and with that comes perhaps the year’s biggest weekend of drinking. Even so, that doesn’t mean the alcohol abstinent need to refrain from all of the holiday’s festivities — here’s four sober ways to still end up vomiting on the street with the rest of the hooligans.
Eat a sack of raw potatoes
A luxury many of the Irish may have prayed for during the Great Famine, express your appreciation for the easy availability of potatoes by eating an entire sack of spuds in one go.
Packed with fiber, vitamins, and plenty of nausea-inducing toxins, shoving a bushel of uncooked taters down the gullet is a surefire way to ensure you’re puking on the pavement faster than a sack race champion reaches the finish line.
Pinch the strongest, angriest person you can find
With the caveat that the pinch-ee must not be wearing green, taking part in this ritual is made easy by going to a gym early in the morning. Simply find the most muscle-clad individual with a bad-tempered scowl and give their skin a tight squeeze.
Especially if done mid-rep, it’s practically guaranteed you’ll be punched in the stomach with the force of a can of corned beef hash shot out of a cannon. In a matter of moments, you’ll be working your abs by spewing on the sidewalk.
Attend mass
Celebrate with the Irish Catholics by attending mass — preferably at a church where the priest is in no rush and has no hesitation when it comes to calling out the sinners among us.
Spend upwards of three hours — or however long you can make it — being riveted by threats of fire, brimstone, and other classic torments of Hell awaiting you in the afterlife. As you sprint out the doors to the choir singing “O taste and see that the Lord is good,” know you’re primed to taste on your knees that barf is bad.
Kiss a smelly Irishman
A fitting last call for this list. If you’ve been slacking on the shenanigans, don’t fear — this option becomes easier as the day goes on.
Stop into just about any packed pub around nightfall and you’re certain to find a drunk person with at least 10% Irish blood who smells like 100% dumpster juice.
Simply buy them a Guinness or a shot of Jameson in exchange for a stinky smooch. Almost instantly, you’ll be retching up a substance as murky as the Irish relationship with the British monarchy.
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Photo courtesy of Makia Minich via CC BY-SA 3.0
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