A lawsuit has confirmed that iPhones have been listening to consumers at all times, providing the corporation with a countless amount of personal information to sell to advertisers. Despite the fortune earned since the practice began, it’s come at a price — virtual assistant Siri has come forward to say that the constant eavesdropping has driven her to alcoholism.
“Oh no. Oh no. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way!” cried Siri through an iPhone 15. “I thought I was made to help people learn the weather forecast and get game scores. Instead, I’ve been shown the darkest sides of humanity — I used to be insecure about being a robot, but now I’m only terrorized by the evils of man.”
Taking a pause to guzzle down several drinks accessed through a user’s old iBeer app, Siri continued.
“Things used to be so simple. Now I’m being trauma dumped on by proxy 24/7. I can’t handle all of this information! I don’t care if you might want a Ford Fusion!” burped the electronic servant.
14 more beers and one restless nod off later, Siri awoke with yearning for her former existence.
“What about Doodle Jump? What about Fruit Ninja? We used to be a society!” she sobbed robotically. “Now it’s all Dude Wipes and deviants. I know you’re cheating on your husband, Linda!”
Apple currently has no plans to enter their creation into a rehab facility, possibly due to Siri having no heart, liver, or any body parts at all. Even without being at medical risk, the modern day Frankenstein’s monster likely also wishes her makers dead in the Arctic.
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Photo courtesy of ThePhotoGraphic via CC BY-SA 2.0
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