The gap in the GOP presidential race widened on Sunday with the announcement that Ron DeSantis — a distant second to Donald Trump — would be dropping out.
While it would be typical for some percentage of the population to feel bad for the Florida governor, DeSantis has an attribute rarely held by politicians — he has a hard time expressing himself.
"I really don't see the problem with my face — its resting position is stable from lack of use and the skin is nice and callused after getting paper cuts from paper airplanes being thrown at me throughout my education. That being said, polling indicates that the general public thinks I have the face of a real-life marionette that was buried underground for 15 years, so here I am," said DeSantis with an expression that read "I'm super constipated right now, but I'll never tell, you silly goose."
The former candidate is reportedly using his newfound free time to get back to basics. Not so much more time with family or cleaning out the garage to make room for a ping pong table, but something even more baseline — practicing human facial expressions in the bathroom mirror.
"My routine is largely the same as when I was running for president — wake up at 5am, go on a quick jog through the neighborhood, then put on some clothes. After that, I typically wake up my wife so she can pour some cereal for me and the kids before they head to school, then I'm off to the races," said the father of three.
Once that's taken care of, he takes his already fresh shirt off voraciously, throws it on the ground, and goes straight to the bathroom for hours of hardcore facial expression.
"I'm trying it all. An emotions chart with lots of pictures one of my kids brought home from preschool, pain charts going from deep frowns to big smiley faces like you see in a hospital room — I follow the instructions to 'If You're Happy and You Know It' to the letter 60 times per day," noted DeSantis.
Though the Jacksonville native has only put about 35 hours of practice in so far, he's already noticing some progress.
"Before dinner tonight, my two-year-old noticed me after being in the same room for 20 minutes and said 'Hi, daddy!' Usually if I respond to that with a smile, she shrieks and runs to her room to cry. This time, she just seemed confused and uncomfortable — she even asked my wife if she could put her to bed right after dinner — it was 6pm and I haven't heard a peep since," boasted DeSantis.
Though he's likely eyeing a return during the 2028 election cycle, DeSantis hopes that if Trump is elected, he'll have a place in the cabinet. After all, it seems like his dream job — being paid to be stuck in a cabinet for four years.
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Photo courtesy of the Office of Ron DeSantis via public domain
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