After a nearly five month strike, the WGA has reached a tentative deal with the AMPTP. While much of the media focus has been on protection from AI, larger writers' rooms, and appropriate compensation, there's one demand that's slipped under the radar until now – heaps and heaps of cocaine for all.
"This is a great day not only for the WGA, but for the entire nation. We hope this deal will help every profession – from kindergarten teachers to surgeons – fight for their own ability to do lines on the clock. Not because it's easy, but because it's the right thing to do," said WGA President Meredith Stiehm.
Many people are sure to wonder why this ask wasn't spoken about more, but the reason is simple – the AMPTP was on board from day one.
"Homeless is fine, but sober is a no-go. Yes, the cost of cocaine can add up. Half a pound of cocaine almost costs as much as my lunch, so it's not nothing to...others," said Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav. "But we need to spare no expense in sacrificing the health of writers for more content" (note: an undisclosed portion of Zaslav's lunch also includes coke).
Zaslav is a big believer in the benefits of getting a bump – and AI can't do drugs.
"We've got big plans here at Warner Bros. Discovery. We've heard that audiences are sick of remakes, so we're going to release re-remakes — I think that's what the rule of threes means," said Zaslav. "So if you've seen a movie trailer in the last five years and thought 'Ugh — another remake?,' get ready — it'll be like the same thing, except primarily written at 2am by a guy who wakes up at 10pm.
It's yet to be seen what the improvements to the WGA's contract will mean for the quality of content, but it can at least be inferred that it will be available in rapid succession — unless SAG also gets free cocaine, in which case the entertainment industry will implode.
Photo courtesy of Fabebk via CC BY-SA 4.0
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