Today is Valentine's Day, also known as the day which separates those who have already bought chocolate to give someone else from those who will wait until tomorrow's sales to buy chocolate for themselves.
Still, that doesn't mean single people aren't partaking in any of the festivities. In fact, a recent report suggests that there's at least one modern tradition that single people do even more than those in relationships — ordering heart-shaped pizza.
"I've ordered one of them in a restaurant with my girlfriend at the time, but as soon as the pizza came out, I thought 'I'd rather be eating this whole thing myself in the dark,' said Custer, South Dakota man Reese Cullman. "I don't even want to light any candles — just the light from my TV while I rewatch 'Fast and Furious' movies for the fifteenth time. So that's what I'm doing."
Cullman isn't alone. He's one of 78% of people who order heart-shaped pizzas with the intention of popping open some wine, throwing on something a little more comfortable, then immediately plopping down on a couch and covering themselves with blankets.
"Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love, so I don't see why it can't be about self-love too," said Altadena, California's Maria Schaffer. "Why would I pay for a $40 pizza that I have to share at a nice restaurant when I can easily order a heart-shaped pizza from Papa John's and a bottle of Barefoot cabernet for myself for no more than $20?"
Even restaurants are starting to take note. While they all claim to only allow one topping on heart-shaped pizza to let it cook better, one anonymous employee from Chicago's Giordano's has come out with the truth.
"The cooking thing is complete bullshit. Restaurant owners are just trying to cut costs — one person, one topping. They're already eating the whole thing, so what are they going to do, complain that it's not enough food? Get out of here," said the brave employee.
While the overwhelming majority of single buyers makes it easy for restaurants to have a one topping blanket rule on Valentine's Day, it's not uncommon for people to order just for themselves year-round. However, the Giordano's source says it's not worth the trouble to figure out who is and isn't ordering for a group.
"Sure, there are ways. Sometimes people sound sad on the phone. They might do that thing where they act like they're talking to somebody else in the room about what they want, but it's obvious that no one is actually responding," said the employee. "Once, I delivered a pizza on just a normal Tuesday night. I noticed that the person was alone, so I opened up the box and ate three of the four toppings before handing it over. I didn't get tipped, but you've gotta do what you've gotta do sometimes."
This shouldn't discourage single buyers, nor will it. In fact, many believe the one topping rule is exactly what they deserve.
"If I'm not good enough to find a good man, then I guess I'm not good enough for banana peppers, am I?" sniffled Fort Pierce, Florida's Kailey Gruber. "They should drop my pizza in the mud and stomp on it. Throw it in a contaminated river and bake it until it's black. Then they should chuck it at my head as hard as they can and say 'Happy Valentine's Day, piggy. Oink oink!'"
Gruber may be sorting through more emotions than the average lone heart-shaped pizza buyer, but scientifically speaking, pizza always outmatches a significant other who may just go ahead and eat your half of the leftovers without asking. So if Cupid's arrow strikes today, take note and save it for tomorrow.
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Photo courtesy of Godzilla8bit via CC BY-SA 4.0
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