The 20th annual Puppy Bowl is taking place on Sunday, but now it'll have to do so without one of its brightest, furriest athletes after star player Jellybean Funkhouser tested positive for performance enhancing drugs.
After stepping into the New York City practice facility today, the 15-week-old golden retriever was required to submit to a routine random drug test. The results showed that the Chester, VT native had been taking heavy doses of steroids for at least two months.
"Jellybean Funkhouser has been disqualified from this year's Puppy Bowl," said referee and puppy wrangler Victoria Schade during an emergency press conference. "While he's still within the weight requirements, there's no room for cheaters at one of the biggest events in sports. We wish Jellybean well and hope to see him at the Westminster Dog Show in the near future."
When Funkhouser's team heard the news, the puppies were understandably disgruntled. Paws were immediately pointed at temporary fosterers Ronald and Denise Jones, who themselves were shocked by the test results.
"We have never given that puppy a single drug. Except when he had worms, but that's different," said Ronald Jones. "We have a strict no cheating policy in our household. Even when we're working on commands, he isn't allowed to have a treat unless he follows instructions to the letter. We've only been fostering Jellybean for a few weeks — we shouldn't be held responsible for habits he picked up at the shelter."
To some, this takes the blame off of the Jones' shoulders. However, the couple's statement reminds others of a trend that's all-too common when it comes to falling into addiction — strict parents make for sneaky kids.
"Maybe they weren't giving him the steroids, but they at least turned a blind eye. They've mentioned at least a few instances where they heard Jellybean eating something, only for it to be gone by the time they finally went to check. At what point do you realize that there's no socks or underwear coming out of the back end? At what point do you take responsibility and think 'Hey, maybe I should make sure my foster puppy isn't getting juiced up on the reg?'" said the manager of the shelter where now-former teammate Bark Purdy lives.
Jellybean has been reclusive since being asked to leave Geico Stadium, heard only occasionally whimpering and howling from his bed. There is great concern he's falling into a depression like most after halting the use of PEDs, but veterinarians are hoping to create a quick recovery through a strict belly rub regimen.
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