Punxsutawney Phil, Elmo, and the CIA

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow today, clearly predicting an early spring.

Given the groundhog's batting average, meteorologists are now calling for a historic two month-long snowstorm with an average wind chill of -50 degrees.

----------------------

Ex-CIA worker Joshua Schulte was sentenced to 40 years after being found guilty of espionage and possession of child sexual abuse materials.

"Wait! I thought I was supposed to become president now!" said Schulte as he was being dragged out of the courtroom.

----------------------

A report from Axios claims that President Biden watches "Morning Joe" nearly every day, with staffers even watching to anticipate the president's questions.

Questions include "So that means it's morning right now?" and "How many hours until bedtime?"

---------------------

Elmo is recovering from trauma after an appearance on the Today show ended with Larry David grabbing the muppet's face before taking a swing at Elmo's father, Louie.

In other news, Larry David has been found dead in a Brooklyn alley after a confrontation with Big Bird.

---------------------

Tesla is recalling nearly all of the cars sold in the U.S. due to warning lights being unsafely small.

Tesla cars follows the same rationale as most humans — "What problems? Out of sight, out of mind, am I right?"

----------------------

U.S. employers significantly surpassed expectations last month, adding 355 thousands jobs last month.

Unfortunately, "355 thousand" is also the combined sum of each of the employees' yearly salaries.

----------------------

Former New England Patriots head coach and six-time Super Bowl winner Bill Belichick will officially not be a head coach in the NFL next year after the last vacancy was filled.

While Belichick has toyed with retirement or becoming an analyst, he still has a good shot at becoming the starting quarterback for the New England Patriots.

-----------------------

Photo courtesy of Anthony Quintano via CC BY 2.0