Pope Francis is continuing to recover from a bout with pneumonia at Rome’s Gemelli Hospital following rumors he was near death. Now, it’s being reported that the Catholic world leader is regaining the spring in his step as well as adjusting to a new bounce on his chest.
“They told me I’d be in here for a while, so I figured ‘What the heck — slap ‘em on me,’” recounted His Holiness. “If the world won’t listen to an 88-year-old man, maybe they’ll lend their eyes and ears to an 88-year-old man with grade A D cups.”
When preparing for the truly selfless decision, the figure of Christ on Earth opted not to go larger in the spirit of remaining humble.
“I may be celibate, but I’m no idiot. These cans should turn plenty of heads — any more would simply be greedy. Plus, if I went any bigger, I worry my spine would snap in half like a pretzel rod,” explained Pope Francis.
There were initial concerns as to whether or not it was smart for an already-struggling elderly patient to receive elective cosmetic surgery. Though the debate settled on the verdict that it would, in fact, be a wildly foolish decision, the Bishop of Rome believes that doesn’t mean it was the wrong thing to do.
“I’ve lived a long life and done a lot of wonderful things for others — things I’m very proud of. If the end is near, I deserve to have some fun on the way out. They don’t call them ‘fun bags’ for no reason. It’s all part of God’s intelligent design,” said the wise pontiff.
As Pope Francis continues to recover, his tailors are reworking the papal wardrobe in the interest of better showcasing the Church’s new assets. In time, the holy hooters may be a catalyst for freeing God’s children, as well as — with any luck — the nipple.
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Photo courtesy of Lula Oficial via CC BY-SA 2.0
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