The Pop-Tarts Bowl kicked off in Orlando yesterday, leaving North Carolina State and Kansas State to put it all out on the field for their final game of the year. While the players worked hard, only one being on the field truly gave their all — the edible Pop-Tarts mascot, who was devoured by the ultimately victorious Wildcats.
The strawberry-filled martyr's death will not have been for nothing — Pope Francis has revealed that he plans to canonize the deceased pastry as a saint in the coming months.
"It's impossible not to see the love of God in that Pop-Tart's eyes," began Pope Francis from Vatican City. "Before feeding his disciples bread at the Last Supper, Jesus said 'This is my body, which is given up for you.' That is exactly what the Pop-Tart did at Camping World Stadium last night."
The pope continued, retaining a strong voice as tears welled in his eyes.
"But unlike the Last Supper, he did not sacrifice his body to feed those who respected him — he walked in knowing he'd be eaten alive by either wildcats or a wolf pack, yet that never stopped him from spreading joy to the country throughout the game," said Pope Francis.
The head of the Catholic Church continued to compare Jesus' final moments with those of the Kellogg's product.
"It wasn't just the Roman soldiers at the crucifixion — people gathered to watch as though it were a sporting event. This is exactly the case with the Pop-Tart, who carried a sign to let it be known to the crowd before being dropped into a giant toaster that he wanted to die for them — it was his dream! That's the epitome of a saint. To canonize him will be the highlight of my career," concluded a sniffling Pope Francis.
The Pop-Tart wasn't Catholic, causing both confusion and anger for those who don't believe the crusty being deserves the honor. However, the miracle performed can't be denied — the martyr was born with the ability to see, hear, and talk, broke out of its foil packaging, and grew 200 sizes in order to spread his good word.
Further, if the title wasn't bestowed, there's a very real possibility that the Pop-Tart's death could spark a religion of its own that could ultimately rival the 2000-year-old Catholic Church.
As for Kellogg's, they're proud of their product reach.
"When we agreed to send that Pop-Tart on a death march, we had no idea it would be so good for marketing," said CEO Steve Cahillane. "We'd like to thank the pope for spreading the love and allowing us to finish the fourth quarter strong. I'll certainly be thinking of our old friend's sacrifice in Orlando as I look at paint swatches for my new summer home," said Cahillane before going on to debate whether next year's sacrifice should be chocolate or blueberry filled.
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Photo courtesy of IconSportswire
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