Penguin-only islands targeted by Trump tariffs ‘strongly considering’ military action against United States

Donald Trump shocked nobody when it was discovered that last week’s tariff rollout included two islands entirely populated by penguins, save for a few other seabirds and seals. 

While many are chuckling about the hostility toward an area with zero humans, the inhabitants do not consider it to be a laughing matter. In fact, The Slug Report has received exclusive intel that the penguins are “strongly considering” military action against the United States. 

“What did we ever do to them? All I can possibly think of is that Trump heard this place is called McDonald Island and got all pissy when he found out we don’t grow wild Big Macs,” offered king penguin Walter Kelly. “I’ll tell you one thing — if need be, we’re prepared to unleash a McFlurry of hellfire to be felt from coast to coast.”

The sentiment is the same on nearby Heard Island, where penguins such as Stephen Thompson believe a possible war is a matter of upholding ethics.

“It’s about the principle of the thing. Yeah, we don’t have any exports right now, but there is potential! There’s this gal in my colony — her name’s Sheila. She’s going to start making scarves any American would absolutely pine over just as soon as she figures out how to hold the knitting needles with her flippers,” shared Thompson.

Given their lack of fingers or firearms, most may assume any attack to be hopeless. However, island locals consider doubters to be lacking in creativity. 

“We will dominate the United States through deception and brute force,” threatened eastern rockhopper penguin Bruce Elliot. “You ever seen ‘Mr. Popper’s Penguins’? We are conniving sons of bitches. Plus, one of my cousins got gay married at a zoo in San Francisco a while back and I’d like to congratulate the happy couple in person.” 

There’s no word yet on when an ambush may begin. For now, penguin armies are training for the fight ahead while diplomats attempt to convince some seals to let them hitch a ride to Florida.

-----------------------------

Photo courtesy of Bernard Spragg. NZ via public domain