The Sacrament of Penance, more commonly referred to as Confession, is one of the pillars of Catholicism. Whether someone told a small white lie or did something so bad it would understandable for them to take it to their grave, it can all be washed away by entering a small room and admitting it to an extremely pious man wearing an understated floor length black skirt.
After someone has confessed their sins, the priest gives a penance, which is basically like a grocery list, but for prayers. Whether the priest wants someone to do one prayer or eight, the person confessing has to follow what they’re told — unfortunately, Father O’Malley has the spiritual equivalent of a heavy hand.
O’Malley has been a priest in Dover, New Hampshire for over 30 years. During this time, he has garnered a strong reputation of being the last voice his parishioners want to hear on the other side of the confessional.
“I told him my sins and then he said it would ‘run me’ six Hail Marys. Why is he talking about the health of my eternal soul like a used car salesman trying to get an old Toyota Camry off their lot?” said James Krigmond, who has gone to O’Malley’s church for 15 years. “The way he says it makes me feel like I’m allowed to negotiate, but I know I’d go to Hell if I tried.”
The steep penalties O’Malley imposes on humans who dare not to be perfect angels don’t seem to be calculated. One day, stealing the cash out of someone’s wallet might be cause for two Glory Bes and an Our Father. The next, someone confessing to lying about their favorite band to impress a stranger would have to say five Hail Marys and six Our Fathers should they want to avoid eternal damnation.
“My sins were pretty garden variety last week. I swore, masturbated and maybe was a bit gluttonous with my Domino’s order on Saturday, sure. So sue me,” said 32-year-old Dan Weitz.
But despite these sins being commonplace, Father O’Malley still didn’t have a reasonable response — or at least not one that he seemed all that committed to.
“He was like ‘Okay, do about 12 Hail Marys and one Our Father.’ To which I said, what do you mean ‘about’? Will 13 prayers be enough for God to forgive me or not? Am I allowed to confess to another priest to see if their penalty works better for me first? It’s like he’s guessing how much paint I’ll need to cover the walls in my living room,” said Weitz.
Given that even the most tame sinners face steep penalties when subjected to Father O’Malley’s judgment, one has to wonder how he would react if someone told him something truly horrible.
“I’m not gonna say what I did. It really wasn’t that bad, but it’s one of those things that just really gets on God’s nerves,” said Dianne Weber. “I knew I was gonna be in for it, but I did not think Father O’Malley would tell me to do 50 prayers — I took a break in the middle to take communion because I got hungry. That in itself is a mortal sin, so I had to head back into the confessional. I was just happy I made it home for dinner.”
Those who didn’t grow up in Catholicism or a similarly strict religion may wonder why parishioners don’t just pretend to fulfill the penances given out by Father O’Malley. Catholic guilt aside, the reason is this — considering that priests willingly make a vow of celibacy, it’s tough to handle the idea of being a bigger disappointment to them than that.
Photo courtesy of Melchior2006
Comments