The Fourth of July is here yet again, and any warm-blooded American knows what that means — beers, burgers, and the annual Old Navy sale. Typically offering more blatant clothing featuring the flag or its colors, this year provides an option that's perhaps even more undeniably patriotic — maternity clothing for juniors.
"We love to see children sporting Old Navy on Independence Day, but it's even better to see our products year-round. Or for nine months, at least," chuckled CEO Horacio Barbeito. "While maternity lines are common enough, this is the first to exclusively cater to those between the ages of 10-15."
Right on time. While the nation has a long and storied history of teenage pregnancy, gone are the days of anyone making an effort to appear on MTV. Now, the very laws requiring children to carry children of their own also prevent life-saving measures in the case of a critical medical emergency.
"At Old Navy, we recognize that childhood pregnancy is real tricky business," said Barbeito. "That being said, the clothing cannot be returned just because it only ended up being needed for seven months. The maternity wear can go on to live a long, happy life when it's donated to Goodwill."
But as the maternal death rate in the United States increases at a drastic pace, so does demand.
"It's never been a secret that kids get pregnant, but companies have been afraid to appeal to that market. They seem to think someone considering horrifically violating a child would be moved either way by the victim having comfortable clothing," said business expert Gloria Thatcher.
One may argue that it seems wrong to profit off of such tragedy, but Old Navy doesn't see it that way.
"Fact is, seventh grade is hard enough — these girls don't want to have to dress like they're 35, too. Throw some butterflies on there, for Pete's sake!" explained Barbeito.
Ultimately, Old Navy is celebrating the Fourth of July by aiming for true American ideals — consideration, innovation, and a fuck ton of money.
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Photo courtesy of m01229 via CC BY 2.0
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