Yesterday's NFL conference championships ended in absolutely whelming fashion, resulting in players for the Baltimore Ravens and the Detroit Lions getting ready to quickly move away from Baltimore and Detroit for the off-season.
While millions of fans are disappointed, there is a silver lining – for the first time in the NFL's 124-year history, the 'Ugh Bowl' will be held.
"We realize that most of the country isn't very excited about the matchup, and honestly, that's on us. Unfortunately, all of the script writers went on strike two weeks ago, so it is what it is," acknowledged commissioner Roger Goodell. "But this will not be a wasted opportunity. The NFL looks forward to welcoming fans to Las Vegas for the first Ugh Bowl – get ready for an okay time!"
The Kansas City Chiefs have reached their fourth championship in the last five years, annoying those who want to see some new blood and also those who complain about seeing Taylor Swift "constantly," which equates to about 30 seconds per three-hour game.
The San Francisco 49ers have a slightly more interesting story, with "Mr. Irrelevant" draft pick Brock Purdy leading the way. Even so, most are fatigued by the team's outstanding ability to make it far in the playoffs nearly every year before saying "actually, never mind – I'd like to go home now, please."
The Ugh Bowl goes beyond the teams. Whereas most Super Bowls go all out on food, drinks, and the halftime show, this year, Allegiant Stadium is checking out.
"As far as the menu, we really did our best to make it as mediocre as possible. I won't give away everything, but the big-ticket items will be a turkey hot dog on a freezer burned bun and expired Bud Light Next, which is like if you sipped some carbonated water and then your uncle with a Bud Light habit burped in your mouth. All items are a minimum of $25," said stadium manager Ross Gillian.
Eight-time Grammy winner Usher was previously announced as the halftime performer, but he will reportedly be replaced by a 53-year-old man who played guitar for six months in college and recently picked it back up to get through his divorce.
The biggest day in football is happening on February 11. To tune in, purchase a $400 NFL Sunday Ticket subscription or gather around the nearest ham radio to hear the play-by-play from a partially blind elderly man eating a dry roast beef sandwich.
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Photo courtesy of All-Pro Reels via CC BY-SA 2.0
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