The investigation into who murdered now-former UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson reached a new peak yesterday after the alleged shooter was spotted eating at a McDonald’s in Altoona, Pennsylvania. Ever since, pitchforks and torches have been unleashed in search of the employee who snitched.
While many have referred to the informant as a clown, it is now confirmed — Ronald McDonald himself tipped off the fuzz.
“When we started the search, we didn’t expect the result to be so on the nose — a squishy red one, to be exact,” said an anonymous online investigator.
Despite not being in law enforcement, the internet sleuths involved have uncovered more in 24 hours than the entire NYPD has in six days.
“Our first assumption was that a cashier had done it, but that didn’t make much sense. That would be like someone who’s starving to death ratting someone out for stealing bread for them,” said one person involved with the discovery. “That’s when we started looking into Ronald.”
It makes sense. The clown’s den — known as the Ronald McDonald House — has been donated to by millions. Therefore, he gets to hoard the wealth gained from commercials and likely sinister schemes carried out in partnership with the Hamburglar.
In other words, precisely the type of individual who would be concerned by someone murdering people who become ultra-rich at the expense of others.
The clown himself has not yet commented on his ill-received actions. Even so, his rival, the Burger King, says he is working on setting up a legal defense fund for person of interest Luigi Mangione.
“It’s gonna be a new kind of Whopper, I’ll tell you that much,” said the king.
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Photo courtesy of sfxeric via CC BY 2.0
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