St. Patrick's Day festivities include some well-established tropes. While green beer and people acting like Connor McGregor despite their ancestors moving to the United States 250 years ago are innocent enough, one group demands extra attention — drunks wearing "Kiss me, I'm Irish" t-shirts.
This is not because they're any more likely to throw a punch or throw up next to your barstool. In fact, one Chicago man included in this group has more experience puking discreetly than the average bar crawler — alcoholic Liam Mahoney.
"St. Patrick's Day has been my favorite holiday since I was a kid. It used to be because of those coin chocolates that you can get 100 of for $10, but as I got older, that coin chocolate became Natty Light," said the 28-year-old.
But while his trusty "Kiss me, I'm Irish" t-shirt has been with him for the last eight years, he hasn't gotten what he's truly after, whether he realizes it or not — physical human connection.
"Oh, I'm alright — don't worry about me," said Mahoney, five beers deep 30 minutes after arriving to O'Shaugnessy's Irish Pub. "A girl? To hug and love? To be the first thought when I wake up and the last when I go to sleep? Nah, I don't need one of them yet. The only woman I need is the one behind the bar, isn't that right?" he commented to the bartender, 53-year-old Sandy Schmidt.
She disagrees.
"He's a good kid, but he's touch starved. All I have to do is pat him on the back and he ends up tipping $5 on his next drink. It's like I'm the most prude hooker in the world," noted Schmidt. "Sure, he's a bit of a cheeseball, but the situation is starting to bum me out at this point."
While he hasn't been very lucky since last St. Patrick's Day, Mahoney is looking forward to his first hug in 365 days.
"Pffft, I don't wear this shirt for attention. If anyone wants to kiss my cheek or give me a squeeze, I'm not gonna stop them," said Mahoney, practically shaking with anticipation and alcohol withdrawal.
It's a big weekend for the Irish as well as those simply looking for a sanctioned reason to get drunk, the Venn diagram of which is a near-perfect circle. Bar goers must remember the basics — drink with enjoyment, drink with care, and make sure the angry drunks get a hug before they get all punchy.
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Photo courtesy of venturout via CC BY-NC-ND 2.0
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