Like millions of others, Nebraska man Dale Wittker has settled on his New Year’s resolution. But while many aim to save more money or lose weight, the 43-year-old has decided to lose something else — high hopes for himself.
“I’ve had dozens of Januaries in my life, so I’ve tried just about every resolution I can think of. Yeah, it sounds nice enough to lose 30 pounds or travel somewhere new, but the reality is that I desire to sit on my recliner and lick Dorito dust off of my fingers way more than I desire to improve,” explained Wittker.
While not following through on goals is usually a let down, the accountant believes in the power of settling.
“People say ‘shoot for the moon and land among the stars,’ but I’d argue that you’re suffocating out there either way. This year, I’m going to shoot for the gas station down the street — they make a great taquito,” said the straight-shooter.
Many aren’t pleased by the idea of reaching middle-age with a middling career, few friends, and a love life as busy as a small town Subway at 3 p.m. Yet, Wittker is self-assured that things won’t get any better.
“What do I expect — to replace beer with green smoothies and go for a jog instead of napping to golf on the TV? Not a chance, muchacho,” acknowledged the father of none.
As gyms around the nation fill up and airline tickets are booked, Wittker is resting easy by doing the same thing he’s comfortably done his entire life — not much.
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Photo courtesy of bark via CC BY 2.0
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