The beginning of the year is considered by many to be a time of reflection, thought, and betterment, with millions of Americans creating New Year's resolutions. However, a significant amount of people consider January 1 to be just like any other day, but with an extra heap of pressure to improve themselves as soon as they wake up from their hangover induced by the night before.
While many admit to not having any resolutions or even get defensive when asked, Shawano, Wisconsin's Chris Wright has a plan to avoid judgement and petty arguments — he's going to lie.
"At this point in my life, I kind of am who I am — you can't teach an old dog new tricks," said the 33-year-old. "Whenever I've said I'm not doing the New Year's resolution thing, people get mad. If I do have a resolution, people ask for updates, which also bothers me — I can't be expected to have the same hope for self-betterment for more than a day at a time."
Despite this, Wright isn't quite ready to completely avoid human communication until people get bored of the topic 31 days later. Instead, he's doing what guilty people have been doing since the dawn of time — coming up with any answer that will avoid conflict.
"I can't say I'm doing 'Dry January' because I meet my buddies down the road at Brother's Pub for Thirsty Thursday every week and there isn't a chance in hell I'm wasting $10 on a non-alcoholic beer or mocktail. If that was my goal, I'd just stay home and drink a gallon of Juicy Juice," said Wright.
Another popular New Year's resolution, improving mental health, is also a no-go for the forklift operator.
"Nothing healthy people do appeals to me," said Wright. "Going to bed on time and waking up early? No. Regular exercise? Absolutely not. Speaking to a therapist? Hell no — I get my feelings out on football Sundays and at inopportune times during family gatherings. As it should be."
Luckily, Wright found one resolution he can pretend to get behind — weight loss.
"Something I realized is that if you tell people your goal is to lose weight, they'll feel like it's rude to check in if you clearly haven't lost anything. Plus, even if you're eating or drinking something unhealthy in front of them, everything is a diet now — it's like that guy who lost weight by only eating McDonald's for 100 days. Or Jared from Subway, except I'm not a pedophile and can't afford to spend $12 on a meatball sub on the reg," the bachelor with a dad bod noted.
Though Wright's methods are unconventional, that doesn't mean they're unreasonable — ultimately, he'll be in the same boat as 91% of Americans in no time.
-----------------
Photo courtesy of Dmoscovitch via CC BY-SA 4.0
Comentarios