Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert came under fire this past week after being caught (and initially lying about) fondling her lukewarm date and vaping during an all ages performance of "Beetejuice" at Denver's Buell Theater.
Unfortunately, there's been no lesson learned — to the shock of perhaps dozens, Boebert was observed smoking crack on Disney World's beloved teacup ride yesterday, Sept. 16.
"Alright, fuck — you got me. Jesus," Boebert told The Slug Report. "I guess I don't deserve 'me time.' Is that it? That's why I can't do drugs at Disney World? Sue me — I'm sorry. Ugh."
Since the incident, some have called on her to resign. In response, Boebert says that she, if anything, didn't go far enough.
"Y'all are forgetting that this is small time stuff — mayoral at best. If I want to get anywhere in politics, I need to ramp it up," began the first term congresswoman. "Yes, I rubbed one out and smoked crack around children in two separate instances. A good president would've done both at once."
Witnesses include 17 children, five of their parents, and Donald Duck. The man portraying the iconic character agreed to talk to The Slug Report on the condition that we find a secluded alley for him to take off the duck head and smoke a cigarette.
"Before she got on the ride, she gave me this look and said 'hey stranger — wanna hop on this ride with me?' I thought it was a little strange, so I was like 'you know the duck thing is just a costume, right? I'm a person and my name is Rick,'" recounts the poorly groomed and bathed man. "One Magic Kingdom bathroom quickie later, I sold her a little more crack and saw her on the teacups a few minutes later. Seemed happy in kind of a depressing way."
The wait for Disney rides is usually much longer than just a few minutes, prompting the question — did Lauren Boebert skip the line by handing out free crack to parents? Based on the aforementioned lackluster child-to-adult ratio, the answer is a certain "yes."
It's not just the adults — the three children sharing a teacup with Boebert received a secondhand high of their own due to the windy, circular nature of the ride. They have each entered rehab after begging their parents to "go to the candy man" rather than McDonald's on the way home.
"We just went to Disney World — there's no way in hell I can afford drugs after this," said one of their fathers. "If I could, it would be pure cocaine and I wouldn't share."
There's been little word on how others in Congress have reacted to the news. However, it's been confirmed that Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy is planning to throw her a pizza party tomorrow around 11am.
Photo courtesy of House Creative Services via public domain
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