A big birthday calls for a big celebration, and former president Jimmy Carter reaching triple digits is certainly no exception.
However, while most would expect a lavish affair complete with plenty of gifts and flowing beverages, the humble peanut farmer says he's looking forward to spending his milestone day with his closest friends and family — all courtesy of a Ouija board he received just this morning.
"I mean, look at me. I'm 100 years old — I don't need anything crazy. All I want to do is spend this occasion with those I love most while enjoying some peace and quiet," explained Carter.
And he'll certainly get his wish, assuming no violent demons are haphazardly awoken in an attempt to contact loved ones.
"I've never done this before — let me see here," said the centenarian as he set the board down on his dining area table along with the heart-shaped message indicator, formally known as a planchette. "Oh boy, the thing's already moving under my hands. Don't the instructions say I'm supposed to greet the board first?"
After a moment of confusion, the 39th president of the United States realized his hands were simply shaking due to it being time to take his evening dose of medication.
Minutes later, the party preparation resumed. After having nurses help light a circle of candlesticks, the lights were turned off in order to begin.
"Hello there, Ouija board! Nice to meet ya — let's get this thing rolling. Who do you have for me?" asked the Nobel Peace Prize recipient.
After carefully watching the planchette move, Carter was able to address his first visitor.
"Ah, shit. What's Brezhnev doing here?" questioned the former world leader, referring to the longtime head of the Soviet Union. "And who's that with you? Former Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin? I'm here to be at peace, fellas — not try to make it. Goodbye now."
After parting ways with the spirits which haunted his term in office, the family man returned to trying to contact those who have blessed his long life.
"Mom? Dad? Wow! Gosh, it's good to talk to you two. How's it going up there?" asked Carter of his parents, Lillian and James Sr.
After receiving a response of "Good. Have to go get ready to play Twister with Jesus!," the 100-year-old reached back out to the spiritual realm — this time finding his beloved wife of 77 years, Rosalynn.
"Oh, honey! I've missed you so much. Whaddya say — how am I holding up?" questioned the adoring husband.
Moving slowly, but intentionally, the planchette revealed the phrase "melting handsomely."
"So happy to hear you think that, darling. Boy, I can't wait to meet back up with you. Maybe in a decade or so," chuckled the Georgia native with glee. "That being said, sweet pea, I get a little lonesome here from time to time. Would you mind if I scooted down the hall to where the gals chat and-"
Before the sentence could be finished, a window slammed shut, indicating both the love of his life's disapproval of the sentiment as well as what their first spat will be once they meet at Heaven's pearly gates.
Having had enough excitement for 5 p.m. on a Tuesday, Carter settled in for a quick nap before being woken up for tonight's re-runs of "New Girl."
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Photo courtesy of jmawork via CC BY 2.0
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