It's been an uproarious 24 hours after former president and current Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was convicted on all 34 counts relating to a hush money scheme. This includes falsifying business records in order to pay off a porn star, as he evidently did not have the business acumen to take 10 steps outside and purchase a $5 edition of Playboy instead.
Between those going "Of course, but finally!" and those looking to see what the sentence would be for murdering an entire jury in cold blood, millions of Americans continue to feel as though the options aren't up to snuff.
Enter the peanut farmer. In an exclusive statement, 39th president and somehow longtime hospice resident Jimmy Carter has announced he's now seeking a second term.
"The greatest honor of my life was serving the American people in the Oval Office. Afterwards, I was honored to teach Sunday school and build houses well into my 90s so people forgot everything that happened while I was in there," began the announcement. "Based on the current nominees and the awareness that some people now seem to take issue with the fella that beat me in a landslide back in '80, I'm proud to state that I am seeking a second term for the United States presidency."
Though shocking, the move may very well instantly catapult voters a new frontrunner. At 99 years old, Carter's energy and mental faculties greatly outmatch those of his opponents.
However, unlike when he stepped away from his farm after winning the 1976 election against incumbent Gerald Ford, Carter has one rule — he isn't giving up the nuts.
"All I want to do is prevent a nuclear war, then cap off the night with some peanut butter ice cream. Is that alright?" quipped Carter, a bright glint flashing akin to an elderly dog's milky, blind eyes. "I can assure you all that I'm losing money much more rapidly to the peanut game now than I ever made it back in the day."
The first presidential debate will be held on June 27, giving the already likely winner ample time to prepare. To be specific, Carter will be putting dozens of hours into getting really good at sitting down, chuckling to himself while shaking his head, and pointing back with his thumb in a "Get a load of this guy" fashion.
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Photo courtesy of Alex Brandon
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