It's been a characteristically trying season for the Dallas Cowboys, and a significant injury to franchise quarterback Dak Prescott is only the beginning. As wide receivers are forced to track the ball while staring directly into the sun, owner Jerry Jones has responded to pleas for curtains by referring to the hazard as a "home-field advantage."
The comment implies that the less-than-beloved fixture believes players can simply get used to staring into the sun's rays without going blind, something most learn is impossible by kindergarten.
Unsurprisingly, this is only the start of Jones's apparent lack of basic knowledge of the human body. At his command, all seating and means of hydration will be banned from the Cowboys sideline as of the team's upcoming appearance on Monday Night Football.
"We're here to play football — that's it, period. If players on our roster want to take a load off, they can head into the locker room and call it early," said Jones. "In fact, I don't see a reason why all of the players aren't on the field the entire time! This culture of laziness ends now."
It seems as though the longtime team owner will need to be taught some of the game's basic rules. Even so, if you ask him, Jerry Jones knows ball — and don't you dare ask any followup questions.
"This is what we need to get over the top. While the other team is sitting down, we're standing up and staying ready. While they're rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.
The theory will be put to test when Dallas faces the inner-state rival Houston Texans at home on Nov. 18. Cowboys players will likely be on the edge of their seats until then, at which point it will be ripped out from under them and thrown into a trash compactor.
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Photo courtesy of Tim Heitman
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