The 2024 presidential race has reached new levels of intrigue following a widespread X post claiming JD Vance wrote about sexually forcing himself upon a couch in his novel, "Hillbilly Elegy." Though quickly called out for not actually being in the text, it remains acknowledged that the potential vice president still may have done it due to the fact that he, in the technical vernacular, "has that vibe about him."
Wonder no more. While speaking at a rally on Wednesday, the Ohio senator spoke at length about his stance on birth control. Specifically, Vance is a staunch backer of the pull out method. To be even more particular, the pull out couch method.
"All of these leftists are yapping about birth control options. Fact is, who needs condoms or pills when you could just get some latex gloves and make a quick stop at IKEA? I mean, I'm asking — can anyone even imagine a better way to spend a Friday night?" posed Vance, immediately moving on so as not to leave room for a response. "Those wannabe commies say our side isn't creative. I'd bet my wife that Tim Walz hasn't so much as considered this. Just another complacent swamp cog."
Though he received a relatively large, albeit uncharacteristically hesitant smattering of applause at the mention of the opposition, the author rolled straight through.
"Let me tell ya. We're all friends here, right? Who hasn't put their creeper in a sleeper?" asked the junior senator, receiving mixed grumbles along with one passionate "Whoo!" from an undisclosed area of the venue.
Stunningly undeterred, Vance continued.
"Those socialists want you to think that they're all about choice. Oh, you can get the snip or an implant — we all know those dirty Dems love their jabs. But if the American people have all of these painful, confusing options, by the time people realize that my policy is all that's necessary, the common pull out couch maker may be run out of business," proposed Donald Trump's selected running mate.
In fact checking the seemingly improvised speech, each statement made by Vance lines up with what's currently been observed about the candidate. However, there was one omission. While the man who may become second in line to the presidency did in fact buy a pull out couch from IKEA, anonymous sources from each chain have provided The Slug Report with proof that Vance has also purchased several of the items from Ashley, Walmart, and several secondhand online shops.
Whether this is a matter of wear-and-tear, convenience, or a private dungeon setup, all conclusions smell very bad.
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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 2.0
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