There are some questions so invasive that most people would never dare to ask them. While it's common knowledge not to inquire about someone's appearance or marital issues, there's a much larger hurdle thrown at millions of tired Americans every day — "What did you do today?"
No more. Here are The Slug Report's tips for getting your loved ones out of your grill.
Disappoint them
At a certain point, people stop asking about things they don't want to hear. Mom curious about your day at your stressful job? Talk about how easy you think it would be to find hard drugs if you wanted to. Grandma secretly hoping you'll talk about going to church? Mention that you go to a drag brunch every Sunday — religiously.
2. Incite jealousy
Nobody likes to miss out — especially if they weren't invited in the first place. For example, talk about the excruciating level of security you had to go through to go to Bruce Springsteen's house party despite being incredibly close friends. Unless they have The Boss' personal phone number, they can't fact check you.
3. Cry
People don't really ask what you did today because they're here for you through good times and bad — they ask because it's a thing to do and they also need to do stuff in case someone asks them the same question.
If you cry — and sob if you can — the perp may try to comfort you, but it will probably be incredibly awkward for them and they will likely choose to keep their distance for a while.
4. Talk about making scrambled eggs in excruciating detail
Everyone's done it, but not everyone's heard someone talk about it step by step for 15 minutes. How many eggs do you use? Do you add milk? How much? What kind? Why? Do you cut up vegetables? Onions? Bell Peppers? Red, orange, or yellow? Which knife? What are your safety precautions? Which plate do you put it on? How do you feel when you eat it?
Note: make sure you don't accidentally talk about omelettes unless you're okay with a longer conversation — sometimes people have strong opinions and they'll want to tell you about them.
5. Spend a long time thinking, give a kind look, and walk away
Sometimes, you have absolutely zero mental energy. This can happen whether you've been making stressful sales calls since 8 a.m. or if you woke up at noon and have done nothing but binge watch TV and debate which bag of chips to open before the next episode starts. In this instance, go easy on yourself. When you hear "What did you to today?", appear to almost be taken aback by the question from a philosophical standpoint. Stare up at the sky, cross your arms, and rub your chin — throw in a friendly smile while you're at it if you can.
Once there's been an extended lag, look at the person who asked, shrug, turn around, and walk away. At this point, they're probably bored themselves and will welcome the abrupt exit. Go in peace.
Photo courtesy of Andrew via CC BY 2.0
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