Much of the United States is experiencing a heat wave this week, prompting people all over the country to plan for the sweltering days ahead. But while most are following precautions such as extra sunscreen, plenty of water, and limiting time outside, one particular group is simply back in the saddle — chubby older men who like to sit shirtless with their feet in a baby pool.
"We all heard the buzz about cicadas this summer, but this is truly an outbreak of its own," said biologist Dr. Candace Kruch. "While this class of humans tends to mask their bodies with thick button-downs or 30-year-old t-shirts, once the temperature nears 90 degrees Fahrenheit, they shed their clothing much like naked mole-rats emerging from their underground habitats."
The widespread phenomenon is nearly unavoidable, as these predominantly retirement-aged men typically display the behavior right in their front yards. This remains true even if the watering hose is clearly connected at the back of the house.
"What can I say? You've gotta let the suckers breathe," explained 64-year-old Steve Rabbe, seemingly alluding to his gray hair-shrouded B-cups. "A man's gotta be in his domain. People need to see that the risk of heat stroke won't stop me from being a protector! Plus, I just got a new little foot pool and I wanna see if my neighbors like the baby ducks on it."
It certainly is a sight to behold in the small town of Estherville, Iowa. Yet, it's certainly not unique, as US Census Bureau statistics point to this being just one case out of potential millions.
"The last few days have been absolutely off the charts when it comes to our swim and beverage departments. The numbers make it seem as though for every baby pool that's purchased, a customer also buys at least one 30-rack of light beer and several bottles of pre-mixed margaritas," said Costco CEO Ron Vachris. "There's also been a huge uptick in people buying taco dip, but not chips as though they're just going to dig right in with their fingers. I'm not sure if there's any correlation."
Vachris is nearing 60, meaning his new instincts are likely beginning to kick in. Given this, it's a near-certainty that there is, in fact, a correlation.
While these men are perfectly safe if out of their splash zone, Dr. Kruch recommends passers-by avert their eyes, but not in a way that shows uneasiness. Otherwise, this may encourage men such as Steve Rabbe to lure people in by shouting a knowingly cheesy phrase like "Come on over, the water's fine!"
If given into, victims may be asked to rub sunblock on a sweaty stranger's fur-laden back. Though not deadly, the trauma may be lifelong.
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Photo courtesy of mikecogh via CC BY-SA 2.0
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