In the face of mounting legal trouble, New York 3rd district Rep. George Santos has announced that he won't be seeking reelection for what would be his second term in 2024. The news was relatively shocking to many given how the potential of going to jail apparently now actually boosts political careers, but Santos has good reason — he wants to go back to "the quiet life of being both an astronaut and surgeon."
"It's been an honor to serve in the U.S. Congress, but I will not be seeking reelection in 2024," announced Santos. "While I've done undeniably amazing work and this country — as well as the Republican party, most likely — will inevitably fall apart without me,* my family deserves better than to see me ripped apart on a national stage for absolutely no reason at all.* I look forward to returning to my old life as an astronaut and a surgeon."
Keeping track of Santos' history is difficult. Can a two-year-old really scale the Great Wall of China on their own? In what world could a 17-year-old sing karaoke in an Athenian palace with Madonna and Dr. Phil after being shipped overseas in a wooden box? While he would not speak on those claims, the Jackson Heights, New York native has fond memories of going from the operating room to the spaceship.
"Just like millions of Americans, I come from humble beginnings. I can't even begin to describe to you how difficult it was for me to graduate from Johns Hopkins at the age of just 22. To do it at the same time as I was working towards an engineering doctorate from MIT really tested me, but I did it and I'll always hang my hat on that," said Santos.*
When asked if he would aim to work for NASA, SpaceX, or any multitude of respected hospitals such as New York City's Mount Sinai, the one-term representative said he would take some time before making any decisions.
"First and foremost, I want to spend more time with my family. I have two parents and a dozen siblings* spread all around the globe I'd like to visit, so it could very well be a couple of years before I get back to space and doing very precise, technically difficult surgeries to great applause and respect," acknowledged the Thomas J. McCann Woodside Intermediate School graduate.
In closing, The Slug Report asked Rep. Santos what he misses most about his former — and soon-to-be current — careers.
"Few things are better than being up in space going a million miles per hour.* I so miss waking up early over the freezing planet of Hoth and going to sleep flying beside the two sunsets over the warm desert planet of Tatooine* — nothing on Earth could be so magical, in my experience," recounts Santos.
As for his work in the operating room, he was practically overwhelmed by the thought.
"I operated on one man — his name was Robert James Neeve and lived on the Lower East Side on East 14th Street, birthday February 10, 1960* — and he was in really bad shape. His squeenum was where his boral should be and his minotium was far from its proper place by the xenal sphincter.* Frankly, in all of my time as a full-body surgeon, it was one of the tougher cases," remembers Santos. "Nonetheless, I got the job done, sewed him back up, and he was able to get home just in time to see the finale of 'Friends' air for the first time."*
The country will surely be keeping tabs on George Santos' whereabouts for long after he leaves office — even if for no other reason than to make sure he doesn't get too close to loved ones.
*Fellow House Republicans tried to expel him this month
*A list of reasons: https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/guide-george-santos-lies.html
*There is no record of Santos attending Johns Hopkins or MIT, either separately or concurrently
*George Santos has one sister, Tiffany, and she lives in Queens
*The fastest man-made object is NASA's Parker Solar Probe, which moves at 430,000 mph
*These planets are both from Star Wars and the solar system only has one sun
*This won't be fact checked for ethical reasons, but it is a HIPAA violation
*The "Friends" finale aired on May 6, 2004 — Santos would've been 15-years-old
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Photo courtesy of U.S. House Office of Photography via public domain
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