Wednesday marked the second Republican debate for the 2024 presidential race, during which the all-too-familiar trend of "I GET TO TALK WHENEVER I WANT AND FUCK YOU FOR TRYING TO STOP ME — YOU NEVER WILL, YA BITCH!" continued.
After what is becoming another election cycle of moderators doing their best to keep order while swiftly and frequently learning that the candidates to run the United States are the worst listeners on the planet, networks have agreed to try something new. Namely, the moderators will be those windy dancing tube guys.
"As much as I wish the debates were used to hear what the candidates think about issues that have a significant impact on this country, the reality is that, unfortunately, it's more of a particularly pathetic dick measuring contest," said moderation veteran Chris Wallace. "I clearly don't have any sway — no pun intended — so fuck it, right? I suppose. Might as well stay where I'm comfortable — curling up with a good book and eating saltines until the wee hours of the morning."
There's pros and cons to the new system. On one hand, there is absolutely nothing to stop candidates from talking over each other the entire time. But on the other, the idea of a bunch of (almost exclusively) old men getting into a huge catfight while being ruled by something usually used to get people to buy used cars is much more fun.
Some, like current candidate and "most likely to be punched for being a prick at a 7/11" winner Vivek Ramaswamy, are less keen on the idea.
"Hang on, hang on a second. I need someone to listen to me and care. Please, God. Please. Oh jeez, oh gosh. Please, I beg of you," began Ramaswamy before snapping back into Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory if he never studied and also spent all of college buying eighths of oregano for $50.
"Yes, human moderators are part of the old guard that this country must get rid of if it wants to progress. Nobody above the age of 30 should even be allowed to pick up their own prescriptions. But if the moderators can't be people, can they at least be women?" said Ramaswamy to great applause from his supporter.
It'll be interesting to see how the new system works out during November's debate in Miami. But if one thing's for sure, it's that it does not really matter.
Photo courtesy of Alex Liivet via CC 2.0
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