College football coaches are always trying to stay one step ahead of each other. With middle and even elementary schoolers being recruited by some of the nation's top programs, there's already a cutthroat race to see who will be the first to snatch up the best recruit of the 2040s.
Well, it seems Wisconsin Badgers head coach Luke Fickell may have found a diamond in the uterus. A uterus in Kenosha, WI, to be exact.
"The process is just a little different — that's all," said Coach Fickell of recruiting future babies. "With older recruits, say starting around age eight, you can just watch their reels while you're sitting at home. With this guy, it's been super hands-on. I've gone to every single ultrasound. Someday, I'll be able to look into this kid's eyes and say 'I held your mom's hand through pregnancy — now let me hold yours through spring training camp.'"
While there's extra hoops intrinsic to in-utero recruitment, the Badgers' staff say they can see it's already paying off.
"We've seen a lot of tape on this guy. If you look at the ultrasounds now versus 10 weeks ago, you wouldn't even believe the growth. This guy might even come out of the womb able to support the weight of his own head," laughed Coach Fickell. "We're just excited to get this guy viable outside of the womb and onto the gridiron."
The mother of the fetus, 32-year-old Andrea Jensen, describes her experience with the program so far as "strange."
"In movies, pregnancy seems stressful, sure, but there's also a gentle nature to it. Glowing skin, feeling them kick for the first time, things like that," said Jensen.
But the first time mom says a rigorous training schedule has left her less time for those moments.
"Sometimes, the defensive coordinator comes over to my house, tells me to lie down on the couch, then gets on his knees and yells at my stomach for 30 minutes. He asks for a glass of water, says 'thanks, ma'am,' and then he's on his way," noted Jensen. "But I know it'll all be worth it because my son will make more in sponsorship money by the time he's five than I've made in my entire teaching career."
Defensive coordinator Mike Tressel says these "hype sessions" can be difficult to navigate, but insists they're necessary.
"I don't even know if this guy will be on defense — he's a little short, a little light right now. Could be a running back," said Tressel of the 11.81 inches tall, 1.54 pound fetus. "But at Wisconsin, we're all about culture. It's vital to get in there as soon as possible."
For legal reasons, the Wisconsin football program has asked The Slug Report to clarify that when Tressel said "get in there as soon as possible," it was purely a figure of speech.
With the Badgers set to kickoff against Buffalo on Sept. 2, it's unlikely the soon-to-be baby will make any impact on the field. However, come bowl season, nothing can be ruled out.
Photo courtesy of rshannonsmith via CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
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