The Golden State Warriors' Draymond Green was suspended indefinitely by the NBA after hitting Pheonix center Jusuf Nurkić in the face, marking just one of many outbursts throughout his decorated career.
While a suspension would usually involve seeking help from a therapist or going on a mindfulness retreat, the league has required something more "out of the box" for Green — one-on-one counseling from a tantrum-prone toddler.
"Draymond's been part of the National Basketball Association for a long time, so we've had the opportunity to suggest multiple more traditional modes of treatmeant," began NBA Commisioner Adam Silver. "We've exhausted those options, so the plan now is to throw stuff at a wall and see what sticks. We're confident that if anyone can keep throwing things against a wall over and over again until the desired result is obtained, it's Draymond Green."
And few things stick like a toddler with SpaghettiOs on their face and melted chocolate on their hands. Such is the case with 4-year-old Hellraiser Levi Anders.
"This kid's a real natural. He throws a goldfish cracker on the ground on purpose and nobody picks it up for him, he cries. The dog walks away after Levi yanks her tail, he shrieks and hits. Mom won't let him get ice cream on the drive home, she's not coming back without a bruise or two," chuckled his father, Nolan.
Because the goal is said to be not just catharsis, but permanent rehabilitation, it may be difficult to see why a four-time NBA All-Star would even begin to listen to someone whose vocabulary is mostly restrained to the words they've heard on "Bluey."
Much like inmates sharing stories of what got them in the clink, the two are already bonding over one key similarity — they've both been suspended. Draymond Green from the NBA indefinitely, Levi from Sunnyside Daycare until he promises to stop punching other kids for knowing how to count.
"Yeah, I've got about 30 years on him, but we're not all that different. No matter how you try to slice it, we're all just human — Levi gets that. We've both had people tell us we're not deserving, whether it's playground privileges or a $100 million, four year contract," said Green before acknowledging that it's easier to listen to someone tiny enough to flick to the ground if needed.
The curiculum is loose, but it's been rumored that the first courses of action are to kick and punch the ground for 20 minutes before taking a long nap in a small pool of drool.
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Photo courtesy of Erik Trost via CC BY 2.0
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