If there’s one agreed upon rule as to what isn’t appropriate in the workplace, it’s that no decent person should heat up their fish in the office microwave. While it sometimes seems that there are many indecent people in this world, Michael Schoober is at least trying — but he brought a Crock-Pot.
“Every time I warmed up my leftover fish in the shared microwave, I’d hear all about it the rest of the day,” said Schoober. “When I got in this morning, I just plugged the slow cooker in at my cubicle and threw some raw salmon in to stew for a few hours. It’s almost 3 p.m. now and nobody has talked to me at all today, actually.”
The 37-year-old salesman and zero-time Employee of the Month says that he has eaten fish every single day for the last eight months in order to stay in line with his strict diet.
“I’m on the Mediterranean diet, which if you don’t know, means that you can only eat fish or else you’ll be enlisted in the Navy,” said Schoober. “I’m glad I’m doing such a good job keeping it up because my general health has, just coincidentally, rapidly declined since about the time I started. I don’t know if I’m up for being a war hero right now.”
There are a total of 30 employees in the office. Some make loud personal calls, intentionally play niche music for all to hear or have a difficult time being quiet about their questionable political takes. Yet, there is only one “fish guy.”
Marissa Botz, whose cubicle is directly next to Schoober's, knows this better than anyone.
“For a long time, I thought there was nothing remarkable or even particularly notable about him,” said Botz, who has worked with Schoober for nearly five years. “But since he started bringing in fish every single day and microwaving it for 10 minutes — which is at least eight more than it even needs to be hot — he’s been high on my radar whether I want that or not.”
Given this, Botz noticed right away when her longtime coworker walked through the door with a Crock-Pot full of limp sea meat in his arms.
“I’m genuinely unsure if he did this because he just doesn’t understand or if he’s actually intending to commit an act of terror. I’ve lost three sales so far today because I keep gagging,” noted Botz. “I’d confront him about it, but I can’t get a good enough read on him to know if he’d appreciate the heads up or if he’d send anonymous concerning letters to my house. This is what I get for working for a company too small to hire an HR department.”
As far as Schoober is concerned, the Crock-Pot is here to stay.
“Since nobody’s said anything, I figure I’m pretty much golden. Tomorrow, I’m going to bring a bunch of filets just so I have a stockpile sitting in the corner I can grab from as-needed” said the college-educated man, uplifted.
After heading home without cleaning the slow cooker, Schoober’s coworkers discussed forming a union that would specifically include everyone but him in particular.
Photo courtesy of Your Best Digs via Wikimedia
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