To thrive in an office environment, etiquette is key. Whether it’s not double parking in the shared lot, refraining from fish in the microwave, or being aware of appropriate water cooler conversation, each factor plays into the day-to-day work experience.
This is news to Dan Lowe, who seems to make a point of only approaching coworkers while they’re scarfing something down.
“Every day, I go into work knowing who I need to ask what. Sometimes people come in to work with breakfast, so I can get right to it. If they’re not eating, I have no choice but to sit and wait for them to have lunch – they’re wasting everyone’s time,” said Lowe, who wants to be clear it’s not a sex thing.*
While the cubicle dweller isn’t overly picky about what his colleagues are eating when he approaches, he has his preferences – and his hard lines.
“Gum, mints, Tootsie Pops – might as well not even be there. That's child's play," began Lowe before again insisting it's not a sex thing. "I know it's time for me to approach when I see someone try to shove a heaping forkful of Green Goddess salad down their gullet."
Since beginning at his current company two years ago, others have caught on, often opting to eat behind closed, locked doors. Some, like Sally Grint, even opt to eat in the dark for maximum secrecy.
"Sitting with the lights off is less scary than facing what's outside that supply room door. Like yeah, it smells super musty and I think I'm getting minor brain damage from bleach fumes," began Grint before taking a moment to remember what she was talking about.
30 seconds of blank wall staring later, she continued.
"But at least Dan isn't asking me detailed questions about some report while I'm four inches and five minutes deep into my 10-minute wet burrito-eating window," shared Grint, a tear streaming down her cheek as a result of both emotion and the five pounds of ground beef rapidly introduced to her stomach.
HR does not have any specific rules that could be used to discipline Lowe, meaning his quirk will continue indefinitely. On the bright side, the office has collectively lost 200 pounds as a result.
*Note: This claim is still under investigation by The Slug Report
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Photo courtesy of wbaiv via CC BY-SA 2.0
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