Today is Valentine’s Day, a holiday which encourages everyone to express fondness and appreciation to their loved ones through thoughtful gifts, grand gestures, and sweet nothings.
Or, if you’re a candy conversation heart, an annual reminder that you are disgusting and unlovable.
“Look — I really want to be into you, but it’s just not happening. I come back to you year after year, but it’s time to stop kidding myself. You look nice, but you taste like old chalk. I can't keep investing in this,” said Valentine’s Day aisle-goer Marley Vought.
While a tough truth to swallow, it’s a sentiment shared by those who prefer to enjoy their food.
“The rest of the class had the decency to hand out heart-shaped chocolates and lollipops, and you think it’s okay to throw me this shit?” thought kindergartener Miles Breeson, having just learned his first curse word. “You could’ve at least gotten the SweeTarts version. I can barely even read — this has no value to me!”
One may think that the bite-sized candies feel down about consistently not bringing their A game on their one day in the spotlight. But much like any relationship that’s gone on for far too long, there’s no desire to put in the effort.
“At this point, I am what I am. You can take me or leave me, baby. Y’see how ‘Kiss me’ is printed on my body? That includes my ass,” said one conversation heart. “Yeah, my buddies may say ‘Love you’ or ‘Be mine,’ but they don’t know what’s good for ‘em yet. We’ve got each other, and that’s enough whether we’re in a stomach or a dumpster.”
Despite rarely being eaten with glee, millions will continue to buy the confection for the same reason many stay with someone they shouldn’t — they’re pretty to look at and it’s just more comfortable to have them there.
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Photo courtesy of public domain via Parnote
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