Meta had an hours-long blackout today, causing social media websites Facebook, Instagram, and Threads to be inaccessible to many users. While some important resources were cut off — puppy videos, photos from weddings not invited to, long rants from people who have taken a rough turn since high school — there was very nearly an upside to the inconvenience for one Wisconsin family. After hours without something new to get mad about, one uncle came incredibly close to getting his news from an actual news source.
For the last 12 years, 64-year-old Dale Zeiber has exclusively gotten news from his Facebook feed. Though he does not click on links to news articles, he comments on them frequently, resulting in all of his knowledge to be gleamed from clickbait-y or misunderstood headlines and memes.
"I'd say I'm the most educated person I know. All these people replying to my comments practically beg me to read a scientific paper, but why would I waste years of my life reading one 90-page source when dozens of articles come across my feed every single day?" said Zeiber.
When asked if he believes only reading headlines hampers his understanding of what are generally 500-1,000 word articles, Zeiber replied "I don't trust anyone who can't get all their thoughts out in 30 words or less. They've gotta think it through before they start spoutin' off, wasting people's time."
The River Falls native typically starts scrolling on Facebook as early as 6 a.m., typically resulting in 50 headlines read, 37 arguments, and 500 comments by the two hour mark. After 30 minutes without his usual routine, Zeiber found himself fighting back against an unusual voice in his mind — one telling him to self-reflect.
"I don't know who the hell was speaking in my head, but it sure as hell wasn't me. I must've been microchipped, goddammit," said the frustrated uncle of five. "This thing was trying to tell me that it would be beneficial for me to question my beliefs. Why would I ever question myself? Then people wouldn't want to keep listening to every single thing I say."
During this time, the names of different publications flew through Zeiber's mind, discerning in no way between the Associated Press and Facebook pages he follows such as "Tread on me and I'll shoot you in the ass" as well as "I Can Haz Cheezborger," which mainly features memes with photoshopped cats from 2009.
Luckily for him as well as everyone who could learn a thing or two from his vast mental library, Facebook was back just in time to prevent Zeiber from foraying onto any websites ending in ".org" or, god forbid, ".edu."
Unfortunately, his account was swiftly suspended for three days after commenting "deep state cunt" under Oprah Winfrey's latest post.
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Photo courtesy of cantanima via CC BY-SA 2.0
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