It's a joke as old as Leap Day itself – "I was born in 1964, but I was born on Leap Day, so I'm actually still a teenager!"
Though generally an innocent way to get someone to blow a little extra air out of their nose, there are victims of this mentality. Specifically, children at Chuck E. Cheese on Feb. 29 while adults are having birthday parties for the bit.
"The commercials on TV say that Chuck E. Cheese is where a kid can be a kid, but I'm six and I feel like I'm the closest to being a grown up here. I'm scared," sniffled Sophia Greenwood. "Some of the really tall boys are even peeing in corners like their parents haven't taught them how to use the potty yet."
While the chain is akin to a kiddie version of Dave & Buster's, it's more than just arcade games and nostalgia that has adults rolling into Chuck E. Cheese for their birthdays today — they also sell beer.
"I only got the chance to go to this place on my real birthday twice as a kid — I was four and eight years old technically, but only one and two truly," said 28-year-old Devin Fulkes as he took a hefty sip out of a clear plastic cup. "It was great back then, but I'm a dozen Miller Lites in and I can't remember the last time I had this much fun — just going wild without a care in the world. The child screams don't sound as happy as I remember, but I'm sure it's just rose-colored glasses," he concluded before accidentally sitting on a 5-year-old.
Unfortunately, the children aren't screaming over pizza and Skee-Ball. They're screaming because the kitchen's threshold and all of the games have been taken over by loud drunk people with 401ks and dirty apartments.
"I was in line for the racing game, but I had to go drain the snake," said 32-year-old birthday boy Mike Lemming. "When I got back, some little kid was sitting there trying to put his quarters in. I yelled at him to go away and when he froze, I shoved his whole slice of pizza in my mouth. Then he started crying, so I took the pizza out of my mouth and set it back on his plate, which only made it worse. I don't get kids, man," concluded Lemming before taking another giant swig of the flask he keeps in his sock.
And while there's plenty of parties yet to start and end at the national staple today, the man himself is well-aware of the situation.
"I love this job — it's my life's work," said Chuck E. Cheese, who has miraculously been present at every single location at once since 1977, much like God. "But I come here expecting to sing, hang out with the kids, and even give a little knowing nudge to parents when they have a beer or two while their kid eats our oddly-shaped pizza with a birthday hat on."
Now, he says he can only take so much more of the Leap Day festivities.
"It's not that I'm against adults having birthday parties here — I love them too! But not when there's dozens of them on one day drinking like blue whales and yelling like they won't have another chance to leave the house for the next four years," said Mr. Cheese. "They keep trying to pull my head off as a joke like they think there's a person in me and I'm not a real mouse. The dysphoria is excruciating."
The Slug Report attempted to get a final update from Chuck E. before publishing, but he had already locked himself in a broom closet with a full cake.
With hours left to go for the day, the chain is sure to have record-breaking sales. It's a waiting game to see how much of that money will go into the company's pocket and how much of it will be legally required to be spent on youth therapy.
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Photo courtesy of JeepersMedia via CC BY 2.0
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