When former University of Wisconsin-Madison Chancellor Rebecca Blank announced she was leaving to become the president of Northwestern University, respective mascots Bucky Badger and Willie the Wildcat began a ruthless war over their beloved leader and romantic interest.
Now, after Blank's unfortunate passing nearly a year ago and just before the Northwestern Wildcats meet the Wisconsin Badgers at Camp Randall on Nov. 11, Bucky and Willie are trying to bury the hatchet. Not because they want to, but because they believe it's what Becky would've wanted.
For the sake of neutral ground, the pair met in the most peaceful place between their homes of Madison and Evanston — a therapist's office in Rockford, Illinois.
"Look, I'm gonna level with you. I hate this guy," said Bucky. "Not only did he steal Becky from me, but he didn't treat her nearly as well as I did."
When asked to elaborate, Bucky sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead.
"Alright. For starters, they shared a brat on Valentine's Day. Shared. If she was still with me, she would've gotten her own and as many as she wanted. And he did that to her at State Street Brats, which is like going to church and splitting one little wafer between 50 people during communion. Just not right," said the disgruntled badger.
Willie butted in before Bucky had the chance to continue airing his grievances.
"Did you ever think she was hoping for someone a little more classy? It seems to me like you're all about partying, watching sports, doing pushups, and rolling into the lab every morning without a hint of fur gel — it's juvenile," began Willie. "I gave her culture. Red wine instead of Spotted Cow. Fine suits instead of pinstripe overalls. Theatre instead of Hammerschlagen..."
Bucky began to sniffle and wipe tears from his eyes.
"I...I had no idea that things were that bad. Poor Becky. What kind of life is that?" cried Bucky. "You're fancy, I'll give you that, but that's not what the Rebecca I knew would've wanted. She wanted to eat Bec-key Lime Pie ice cream and drink glass after glass of milk. You're a cat — you're lactose intolerant!"
Tempers continued to flare.
"If she was so happy with you, then why did you catch us making our tender love known under the Camp Randall Arch?" quipped Willie, crossing his arms.
Bucky then stood up, enraged, and took off his sweater for the first time in his 83 years of life. Willie stood up and began to hiss.
"Okay, so I'm sensing some hostility here," noted the therapist, speaking her second sentence 45 minutes into the session. "It's important for me to recognize the need for an impartial third party. With that in mind, I should disclose to you both that I received my psychology degree from the University of Minnesota."
Bucky and Willie locked eyes.
"You're a....Golden Gopher?" they said together, cracking their knuckles and nodding in unison. "For Becky."
Though the details can't be given from here due to their violent and gruesome nature, Bucky and Willie left the session having bonded for the first time. As a bonus, paying the therapist was no longer necessary, nor an option.
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Note: This article is a continuation of a series that the writer began as editor of The Beet with The Daily Cardinal — https://www.dailycardinal.com/article/2021/10/bucky-catches-chancellor-becky-blank-with-willie-the-wildcat-asks-for-amicable-separation
Photo courtesy of the University of Wisconsin-Madison
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