Sometimes, it’s best to leave it to the experts. Engineers know how to design a bridge that’s safe to drive over. Doctors are best equipped to prescribe medication for their patients. And black coffee snobs are the most qualified to judge others based on what they think tastes good.
Dustin Bohauser, who it should be noted is a big strong boy, began drinking black coffee – also known as “plain” – since entering the hustle and bustle of telemarketing 20 years ago.
“It’s so embarrassing, but I will admit that I used creamer for the first few months. Some ladies at the office just left it in the break room and got it into my head, I guess,” chuckled Bohauser. “Of course, once I realized what that said about me, I started drinking my Folgers straight up like a grown man.”
While the now 42-year-old may drink bean water like a champ, it doesn’t seem to carry over into other areas of his life – and romance is no exception.
Of the dozens of women Bohauser has gone out with, almost all have opted out of a second date. Those who didn’t soon reconsidered after getting a second opinion.
“Oh, I‘ve dated plenty of girls. It seems like they just can’t handle my energy – I’m too alpha for them. Women want weak men these days – they want boys,” said Bohauser, speaking on women old enough to have children in college.
The DeVry University alum refers to the list of reasons why other men don’t stack up to him as “endless.” Yet, there’s one factor he seems to give more thought to than ever thought necessary – how they order their cup of joe.
“I’m sorry, but if a guy drinks a macchiato every morning, he might as well drop to his knees and blow me right away,” said Bohauser in a confusing choice of words. “This isn’t supposed to be dessert. It’s rocket fuel. It gives me what I need to lead a life of hard work and zero gratification – just like my father and his father before him.”
At Bohauser’s age, most have something to brag about – a promising career, nice car or maybe just some good friends that make the tough times a little easier.
Well, he doesn’t really have any of that. Still, there’s one thing that absolutely can’t be forgotten – he drinks something that some people don’t like.
“I will not apologize for having refined taste. Yeah, it tastes like dirt. Maybe there wouldn’t be so many weak links if people were more in touch with the Earth,” noted Bohauser in an unfortunately good point (maybe).
Even so, there are many other ways to connect with the planet. Meditation, hiking and watching the sunset are just a few alternatives to drinking mud brew – unless you ask the guy who took a boxing class once.
“Meditation? I have no interest in being at peace. Hiking is for people who can’t afford a gym membership and I don’t watch sunsets because the colors aren’t masculine,” explained Bohauser.
Not many people will ever be as cool as the former junior varsity basketball star. Maybe, with a little luck, everyone will be able to cope by drinking a caramel macchiato and moving on with their day.
Photo courtesy of Ross Franklin via Wikimedia
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