President Biden has been facing particularly strong questioning about his mental faculties as well as his handling of the Israel-Palestine conflict for months. Even without both of these issues remaining top of mind for most Americans, the scrutiny wouldn't hold up any time soon — today, Biden returned to the Oval Office for the first time since killing and eating a man.
The president wasn't out for long, only giving a couple days for his stomach to soothe before returning to his duties.
"Gosh! I've gotta say — I'm surprised that this is such a big deal. None of you have ever laid eyes on a meaty-looking transient and thought 'Dinner is taken care of'?" asked Biden. "Something's just not adding up for me here, Jack."
The cleanest method of murder would've been a carefully placed gunshot or stabbing. Despite this, Biden went full Looney Tunes.
"This wave sort of came over me. I saw an empty fire extinguisher and just started wailing on the guy like he was a piñata full of Tootsie Rolls. He fell down right away. I couldn't help but think 'Jeez, sport — you must've been waiting for someone to come along and do this to you,'" the president quipped.
The identity of the man consumed by the president has not been released. However, the victim was last seen exiting a Motel 6 with what appeared to be a mostly empty bottle of brown liquor.
"I could smell the bourbon on him and, as the heart of America knows, that's a dang good flavor to have in your barbecue," acknowledged Biden, adding "It doesn't get a whole lot better than that!"
The White House attempted to contact the victim's family immediately after learning of the incident, but the only person found responded to the call by saying "Eh, okay" and hanging up. In turn, the president will be honoring the man with a proper service.
"He deserves a hero's burial. By satiating me, he served the United States of America from the highest level. God bless him and all who give the same sacrifice in the future," stated the first-term president, implying that he has no plans to stop killing and eating fellow humans.
Charges are likely, but Biden is unphased, saying "The other guy is still free, so I'm going to continue my work until I have a reason to worry."
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Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore via CC BY-SA 2.0
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