Biden, McCarthy to throw joint pizza party in exchange for debt ceiling deal votes

After talking on the phone for hours on Saturday night like a couple of high school lovebirds, President Biden and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy have reached a tentative deal on raising the nation's debt ceiling.

With just a week to go before Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen says the United States could default on its debt, the biggest fight from here will be rallying both parties to vote in favor of the bill — ideally by Wednesday.

So how can that be done despite both parties fundamentally disagreeing with parts of the plan? The same way children may be rewarded for making it through second grade — a pizza party.

"These cats are tricky, but you and I both know that cats love pepperoni," stated Biden on Sunday morning. "Kev and I were thinking things over, and ultimately, we both had some coupons for Papa Johns."

Though a group meal staple, starkly different preferences can make the decision to order pizza one that is rife with landmines.

"We're not going to change anything up. Sausage, pepperoni and cheese. The classics," said McCarthy. "The pizza is meant for the representatives, but they are not entitled to it."

This in itself has caused a rift among House members who believe that, while the classics used to do the job, more modern toppings are now necessary in order for the pizza party to flourish.

"We are not asking for pineapple. We are not asking for anchovies. What are we asking for? Let me tell you," said Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "Green peppers, maybe some onions. The time for olives has not yet come, but I believe that it will. Probably even sooner than we think — I really do."

One House member, who will remain anonymous for their safety, has already been shunned by both sides of the aisle. After informing others that their vote would hinge on whether or not there's Canadian bacon, the "anti-American traitor" was tar and feathered before being dropped off at the nearest Little Caesars.

With little time to spare, Americans can only hope that those they elected to lead this country don't fail to do so because they're craving salami and spinach. Still, if that does become the case, it will still be more honorable than the usual reasons.

Photo courtesy of public domain