Most parents raise their children with the goal of ensuring that they’re ultimately capable of leading independent, fulfilling lives. While most consider the bulk of the job done around the time their kids turn 18, not everyone is happy to call it at that. Some, like the McKinneys of Des Moines, Iowa, are hoping to make their three adult children return the favor.
“Reggie and I had our first kid pretty young, you know — we were 21 and 23. He had just graduated from Iowa State,” reminisced Kathy McKinney. “Those times weren’t always so easy. Money was tight for years and, for whatever reason, I would just end up pregnant again. That certainly didn’t help.”
Reggie McKinney, Kathy’s loving husband of just over 40 years, butted in.
“They owe me. They owe us. Do you know how many times I had to wake up at 2 a.m. just to change a dirty diaper for each of those hell-raisers? Eight. Eight times,” said McKinney, oblivious to his wife’s eye roll. “If we had to wait on them for the first 18 years of their lives, then it better be damn sure that I get to be a burden to them for at least my last three.”
The McKinneys’ children, who are all between 27 and 40 years old, all live far away from the hustle and bustle of Des Moines. The closest, middle child Leo, currently lives in Minneapolis.
“My dad has mentioned that idea a few times. He particularly likes to tell me about the ass-wiping aspect of it. At first I thought maybe he was just kidding, but it seems like he actually actively wants me to do that. Like if he had the option to take it or leave it, he would definitely just drop his pants right then and there. I would have to clean him up with leaves and discarded newspapers,” claimed Leo.
“Maybe my asshole will learn how to read,” retorted Reggie McKinney after being informed of his son’s comment.
Allison McKinney, the oldest of her parents’ pride and joys, is a successful Los Angeles based interior designer.
“I’ve been getting a lot of calls from Dad about money, actually. He’s not asking me for any — my parents are doing fine financially. He’ll just say stuff like ‘Oh, how’s your savings account looking?’ and ‘Are you sure you want to buy a house? I’ve always seen you as more of a couch surfing type.’ It’s weird — I think he thinks I’m going to buy him the Playboy Mansion or something,” said McKinney.
Though the patriarch of the family seems to be making the bulk of the demands, Kathy has some of her own.
“I just think it would be nice if they had to come back to take care of us. That way, we’d have more time with the grandchildren,” said Mrs. McKinney, referring to her zero grandkids. “It would be a win-win. I’d get to have them here, and they’d get all of my input as far as how they should raise their kids. I’d even be able to let them know if they’re starting to get a little too chunky or if they’re slouching a lot.”
Mark, the baby of the family, was unable to speak to The Slug Report because he was on a skiing trip in Breckenridge. Luckily, his father was able to speak for him.
“Mark can’t play dumb about any of it. He knows the deal. By the time he was a senior in high school, I already had an inkling that I’d like to really throw a wrench into my kids’ lives in a few decades,” remembered McKinney.
McKinney reminisced about the early days of sorting out in which particular ways he’d like to be a burden to his offspring.
“At that stage, I was still brainstorming. Do I act like my brain is going? They might make me go to the doctor a lot. But if I have to go to the doctor, that would mean they do too because they’d need to drive me. It’s just stuff like that — I have to weigh how inconvenient it is for me with how glad I’ll be to inconvenience them, too,” explained McKinney.
Assuming they remain in good health, Reggie and Kathy McKinney still have some child free years ahead of them. When the time comes, though, the couple will be able to sleep well knowing that they are their children’s primary blueprint for how to take care of other human beings.
Photo courtesy of Stannah International
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