"While the other team is rehydrating, we're curing like a fine-tuned jerky," said Jones, likely basing the idea on his own skincare routine.

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The Super Bowl champion notably did not set any of his underwear ablaze, most likely because he did not own any to begin with.

"I took a look at my pocket change and thought 'Taylor, you deserve a little treat. You should buy the team.' So I did!" said Swift.

Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow today, clearly predicting an early spring. Given the groundhog's batting average, meteorologists...

"Get ready for an okay time!" said commissioner Roger Goodell.

After 35 years of sitting up in the box, I think it's about dang time I touch some grass," said Jones.

“I ate a block of sharp cheddar like it was a candy bar, but not in the fun way I’m used to,” said Packers owner Greg Kilovsky.

"Yes, there were only a few seconds left in the entire game, but plenty of men have been murdered in far less time," noted Coach Sirianni.

The sighting comes before arguably the biggest day in American sports —second to Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest.